Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 04/19/17 02:39 AM
Leon C. Megginson
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
````````````
Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."
Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."
"Very good. And you, Justin?"
"Her assets!" says Justin
"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"
"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."
```````````````
A little kid raised his hand in class and asked the teacher, "Can you please tell me , ma'am how do you spell icholas?"
Miss Mary, the teacher was rather dazed. "Don't you mean Nicholas?" she asked.
"No, ma'am. I've written the 'N' already."
`````````````
Mrs. Smith, the math teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.
She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Tommy.
Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"
Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
``````````````
In my college, posters offering used textbooks for sale are pasted on the college notice board at the beginning of each trimester.
One of them read: "Introduction to Marketing, $12, never used."
The card was signed, "Seller in hurry."
The next day a note had been added: "Fair price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
````````````````
One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"
The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."
`````````````
How to identify students when the professor walks into the class and says good morning.
* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.
````````````````
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
`````````````
Teacher: “Jasper, what is this thing they call Twitter?”
Jasper: “What do you think it is, Mam?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Jasper: “I don’t think I know either, Mam!”
``````````````````````
The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.
She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"
A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."
`````````````
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
```````````````
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"
The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
````````````````
The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
````````````````
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump day again? Didn't we already do that one?
Well as the days get longer and hotter, my fuse gets shorter, and my temper gets hotter.
My dogs will be sitting and staring at me, and I'll finally have to get up and go to the door and say, "GO-GET OUTSIDE-STOP STARING AT ME!!! You've been staring at me for 8 solid hours."
I hate it when they have no patience.
I went to Lowe's today and they had me do another pre-employment interview. It's too funny when I'm sitting there with a manager that I worked with for about 4 years, and she's asking me about my work history.
We worked side by side.
She could even answer the questions better than I could.
I did my drug test as well. Thank goodness I didn't have to fast for it.
I could do all the drugs I wanted to before I took it..........
.and I did.
I took the dogs to the park, and then went to Walmart for groceries.
You know what's cool? Walmart repaved their whole parking lot, and you know what that means(?)......................more head hunting.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
````````````
Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."
Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."
"Very good. And you, Justin?"
"Her assets!" says Justin
"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"
"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."
```````````````
A little kid raised his hand in class and asked the teacher, "Can you please tell me , ma'am how do you spell icholas?"
Miss Mary, the teacher was rather dazed. "Don't you mean Nicholas?" she asked.
"No, ma'am. I've written the 'N' already."
`````````````
Mrs. Smith, the math teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.
She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Tommy.
Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"
Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
``````````````
In my college, posters offering used textbooks for sale are pasted on the college notice board at the beginning of each trimester.
One of them read: "Introduction to Marketing, $12, never used."
The card was signed, "Seller in hurry."
The next day a note had been added: "Fair price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
````````````````
One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"
The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."
`````````````
How to identify students when the professor walks into the class and says good morning.
* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.
````````````````
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
`````````````
Teacher: “Jasper, what is this thing they call Twitter?”
Jasper: “What do you think it is, Mam?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Jasper: “I don’t think I know either, Mam!”
``````````````````````
The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.
She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"
A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."
`````````````
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
```````````````
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"
The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
````````````````
The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
````````````````
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump day again? Didn't we already do that one?
Well as the days get longer and hotter, my fuse gets shorter, and my temper gets hotter.
My dogs will be sitting and staring at me, and I'll finally have to get up and go to the door and say, "GO-GET OUTSIDE-STOP STARING AT ME!!! You've been staring at me for 8 solid hours."
I hate it when they have no patience.
I went to Lowe's today and they had me do another pre-employment interview. It's too funny when I'm sitting there with a manager that I worked with for about 4 years, and she's asking me about my work history.
We worked side by side.
She could even answer the questions better than I could.
I did my drug test as well. Thank goodness I didn't have to fast for it.
I could do all the drugs I wanted to before I took it..........
.and I did.
I took the dogs to the park, and then went to Walmart for groceries.
You know what's cool? Walmart repaved their whole parking lot, and you know what that means(?)......................more head hunting.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
He finds them everywhere! EDIT: I am way too slow on responding! 
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana and everyone. Joe no need to hurry up and start working again! MaG have a great day. Ana what are you up to today? Coffee and tea are ready.
soot