Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 05/09/17 03:05 AM
ANONYMOUS
The man who rolls up his shirt sleeves is rarely in danger of losing his shirt.
```````````````
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
```````````````
While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest f.arts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you [blip] before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
```````````````
There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twenty” in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.
Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.
As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.”
``````````````````
A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.
The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Oysters," she replied.
"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
```````````````
Upon receiving several complaints of spellings, grammar and such other mistakes from readers in one newspaper, the editor put the following article in his editor’s note:
“We are the only newspaper which is aware that other than subjects like politics, sports, celebrity gossip, business news etc, some people are particularly fond of finding faults (like puzzles) in news prints. We try and cover them too. "
```````````````
Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”
Mom: “Yes, they do.”
Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”
Mom: “But she is not an angel.”
Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”
Mom: “Does he? All right then, you will most likely see her flying tomorrow.”
``````````````````
Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.
Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"
"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."
Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
`````````````
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
``````````````````
Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”
Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”
Mike: “I did that. Now she's engaged to my uncle.
`````````````````
A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.
The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”
The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.
The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”
```````````````
Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.
"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"Why is that?" asked the friend.
Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."
`````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Tuesday's are terrific don't you think?
I don't know why, but I figure I hon't have to have a reason.
Monday morning I went to the truck wash and I washed my truck.....what else would I do there?
I came back home and took the dogs to the park, and then spent the rest of the morning cleaning my truck.
Now, in my infinite wisdom, I'm going to the sod farm this morning, and drive all over the field of greens, and the big big tall grass around it, in my nice clean truck.
It should be fairly dry though. No rain in a week.
Wednesday I will mow the lawn, and clean house.
Maybe I should have done that on Monday, and cleaned my truck on Wednesday.
That's why I don't play chess.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
The man who rolls up his shirt sleeves is rarely in danger of losing his shirt.
```````````````
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
```````````````
While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest f.arts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you [blip] before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
```````````````
There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twenty” in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.
Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.
As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.”
``````````````````
A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.
The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Oysters," she replied.
"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
```````````````
Upon receiving several complaints of spellings, grammar and such other mistakes from readers in one newspaper, the editor put the following article in his editor’s note:
“We are the only newspaper which is aware that other than subjects like politics, sports, celebrity gossip, business news etc, some people are particularly fond of finding faults (like puzzles) in news prints. We try and cover them too. "
```````````````
Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”
Mom: “Yes, they do.”
Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”
Mom: “But she is not an angel.”
Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”
Mom: “Does he? All right then, you will most likely see her flying tomorrow.”
``````````````````
Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.
Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"
"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."
Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
`````````````
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
``````````````````
Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”
Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”
Mike: “I did that. Now she's engaged to my uncle.
`````````````````
A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.
The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”
The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.
The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”
```````````````
Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.
"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"Why is that?" asked the friend.
Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."
`````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Tuesday's are terrific don't you think?
I don't know why, but I figure I hon't have to have a reason.
Monday morning I went to the truck wash and I washed my truck.....what else would I do there?
I came back home and took the dogs to the park, and then spent the rest of the morning cleaning my truck.
Now, in my infinite wisdom, I'm going to the sod farm this morning, and drive all over the field of greens, and the big big tall grass around it, in my nice clean truck.
It should be fairly dry though. No rain in a week.
Wednesday I will mow the lawn, and clean house.
Maybe I should have done that on Monday, and cleaned my truck on Wednesday.
That's why I don't play chess.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joe! I hope your truck stays clean and you find a whole bunch of points! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. It's freezing here this morning! Had to turn the heat on. 
