Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 05/12/17 02:49 AM
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
`````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a n amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, gives me gas."
`````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.
I didn't know anyone was watching....
````````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
```````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
`````````````
There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."
The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!
A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.
Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.
The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"
The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own nuts!"
````````````
Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.
Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.
Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.
```````````
Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.
First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”
Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”
Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”
``````````````
There are three old men seated inside a doctor's cabin - all suffering from bad memory.
The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"
The first man replies, "756".
The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"
The second man replies, "Friday".
The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"
The third old man replies, "Sixteen".
"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."
````````````````
Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".
He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."
He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."
He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."
He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.
He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"Be sure to get your copy of Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies, covering landing a plane, when it hits the bookstores next month."
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had so much trouble getting here, I'm exhausted ready for bed already.
I kept getting this message, which I for one have never seen before:
UBB Message
We encountered a problem. The reason reported was
Database error only visible to forum administrators
Please click [ Back ] to return to the previous page.
Has anyone else had this problem?
If so take 2 aspirin, and smash your computer with a cat.
Sorry, I'm watching MASH. The insane humor is rubbing off on me.
YEHAA it's Friday and I only work 6 hours, AND, it rained all day today, AND, I am off on Saturday.
You know what all of that means? I get to sleep in on Saturday.
Of course my plans may change between now and then.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
`````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a n amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, gives me gas."
`````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.
I didn't know anyone was watching....
````````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
```````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
`````````````
There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."
The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!
A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.
Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.
The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"
The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own nuts!"
````````````
Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.
Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.
Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.
```````````
Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.
First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”
Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”
Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”
``````````````
There are three old men seated inside a doctor's cabin - all suffering from bad memory.
The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"
The first man replies, "756".
The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"
The second man replies, "Friday".
The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"
The third old man replies, "Sixteen".
"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."
````````````````
Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".
He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."
He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."
He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."
He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.
He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"Be sure to get your copy of Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies, covering landing a plane, when it hits the bookstores next month."
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had so much trouble getting here, I'm exhausted ready for bed already.
I kept getting this message, which I for one have never seen before:
UBB Message
We encountered a problem. The reason reported was
Database error only visible to forum administrators
Please click [ Back ] to return to the previous page.
Has anyone else had this problem?
If so take 2 aspirin, and smash your computer with a cat.
Sorry, I'm watching MASH. The insane humor is rubbing off on me.
YEHAA it's Friday and I only work 6 hours, AND, it rained all day today, AND, I am off on Saturday.
You know what all of that means? I get to sleep in on Saturday.
Of course my plans may change between now and then.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
Thanks looney
