Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday Afternoon - 05/16/17 02:53 AM
AMBROSE BIERCE
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
``````````
In a very high-security zone of the Air Force, a Cessna suddenly arrived undeclared. The Air Force personnel, surprised by its arrival, wasted no time in impounding the aircraft and taking the pilot into custody.
When questioned in the interrogation room, the pilot replied that he took off from Vegas, lost his way, and spotted the Air Force Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force did a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in custody for the night while the investigation was on.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot was not a spy and had really lost his way. They refueled his airplane, gave him a detailed briefing, warning him to remember that he had never seen the secret Air Force base and that there would be terrible consequences if he ever spoke about the secret base to anyone. He was then allowed to take off.
The next day, to their total disbelief, the Air Force personnel see the same Cessna land there once again. The plane is immediately surrounded by the Military guards but this time, they notice there are 2 people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do whatever you want to do to me, my wife has come with me, just tell her where I was last night!"
````````````
When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
``````````````````
Aramco Health Department
Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia
During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.
Texanitus can be divided into two forms:
Acute
Chronic
Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.
Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.
WARNING :
Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray rumours in all directions. Whether this bull is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.
As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.
Yours truly
Mustaffa Phart
Aramco Surgeon General
``````````````
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
'America,' the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'
'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'
'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....
'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'
`````````````````
And then there was this Swede pilot who was on a plane with two Norwegian pilots on a test flight.
All of a sudden, there was a snag in the engine and they had to bail themselves out. But the problem was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede seized one and said: “I am too precious to this world and mankind in general to lose my life.” And he jumped.
One Norwegian: “Now what?”
Second Norwegian: “We jump. The precious one just grabbed my back pack and jumped.”
````````
James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'
The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'
Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'
A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'
````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It is Tuesday and I am off now for THREE DAYS!! Count them, not 1, not 2, but 3 whole days off. WOO HOO!!!!
Ok that's a bit overkill, but I guarantee you that's what my feet are thinking right now.
If it weren't for my feet, I could really enjoy this job.
Well, my feet and my ankles. If not for that, I could really enjoy it.
Oh yeah my knees too. They take a beating. If not for my feet, ankles and knees, I could really enjoy the job.
That's all......except for my back too. I forgot my back just really gets a work out.
My hands always hurt too, and my shoulders. That's pretty much it.
If not for my feet and ankles, my knees and back, hands and shoulders, oh and I forgot my elbows too.......and my neck gets pains regularly as well, I could really really enjoy my job.
I try and stay positive though. Every pain reminds me that I am still alive and kicking.
I don't kick very hard though.
Bad knees remember?
Have a happy pain free day everyone.
joe
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
``````````
In a very high-security zone of the Air Force, a Cessna suddenly arrived undeclared. The Air Force personnel, surprised by its arrival, wasted no time in impounding the aircraft and taking the pilot into custody.
When questioned in the interrogation room, the pilot replied that he took off from Vegas, lost his way, and spotted the Air Force Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force did a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in custody for the night while the investigation was on.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot was not a spy and had really lost his way. They refueled his airplane, gave him a detailed briefing, warning him to remember that he had never seen the secret Air Force base and that there would be terrible consequences if he ever spoke about the secret base to anyone. He was then allowed to take off.
The next day, to their total disbelief, the Air Force personnel see the same Cessna land there once again. The plane is immediately surrounded by the Military guards but this time, they notice there are 2 people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do whatever you want to do to me, my wife has come with me, just tell her where I was last night!"
````````````
When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
``````````````````
Aramco Health Department
Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia
During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.
Texanitus can be divided into two forms:
Acute
Chronic
Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.
Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.
WARNING :
Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray rumours in all directions. Whether this bull is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.
As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.
Yours truly
Mustaffa Phart
Aramco Surgeon General
``````````````
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
'America,' the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'
'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'
'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....
'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'
`````````````````
And then there was this Swede pilot who was on a plane with two Norwegian pilots on a test flight.
All of a sudden, there was a snag in the engine and they had to bail themselves out. But the problem was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede seized one and said: “I am too precious to this world and mankind in general to lose my life.” And he jumped.
One Norwegian: “Now what?”
Second Norwegian: “We jump. The precious one just grabbed my back pack and jumped.”
````````
James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'
The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'
Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'
A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'
````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It is Tuesday and I am off now for THREE DAYS!! Count them, not 1, not 2, but 3 whole days off. WOO HOO!!!!
Ok that's a bit overkill, but I guarantee you that's what my feet are thinking right now.
If it weren't for my feet, I could really enjoy this job.
Well, my feet and my ankles. If not for that, I could really enjoy it.
Oh yeah my knees too. They take a beating. If not for my feet, ankles and knees, I could really enjoy the job.
That's all......except for my back too. I forgot my back just really gets a work out.
My hands always hurt too, and my shoulders. That's pretty much it.
If not for my feet and ankles, my knees and back, hands and shoulders, oh and I forgot my elbows too.......and my neck gets pains regularly as well, I could really really enjoy my job.
I try and stay positive though. Every pain reminds me that I am still alive and kicking.
I don't kick very hard though.
Bad knees remember?
Have a happy pain free day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Enjoy your time off Joe. Ana don't work to hard! Coffee and tea are ready.
