Posted By: gymcandy1
Thursday's - 06/22/17 02:23 AM
EDITH WHARTON
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
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Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."
Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal. And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
`````````````
My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."
I asked, "What happened'?
Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"
````````````
Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig.
He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and stained with lipstick marks, and every now and then, he took a swig of rum from a hip flask. He opened a magazine and began reading. Then he asked the nun, "Sister, what causes high blood pressure?"
The nun replied sarcastically, "It's the result of leading an amorous life, drinking too much rum, lack of discipline, and disregard for your fellow man."
"Oh my God!" muttered Sid, returning to his magazine.
The nun was felling a little guilty for her outburst and said, "Look, I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you. How long have you been suffering from high blood pressure?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
````````````````
John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening. The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything." John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for almost a year!"
``````````````````
Daisy, a resident nurse at the City hospital, was not satisfied with her job, so she resigned. She was confident that she would easily find another job due to the high demand for nurses in her locality. She sent e-mails with cover letters to several potential employers and attached her resume to each one. A couple of weeks later, Daisy was disappointed as she had not received a single invitation for an interview. Finally she received a mail from a prospective employer which explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetarian burritos recipe."
````````````
During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?" "Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it." The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?" Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me." The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?" "Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."
````````````
Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery. "I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims. "Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow." The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!" Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?" The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this." Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour." "An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes." "30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..." The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done." So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks. The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?" "Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes." "You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!" So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks. Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now." "Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick." "Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I want to say thank you all for your kind sympathies, and support.
To be honest, it's very hard for me to find either humor or joy right now, but I do find solace among my friends. I know that many of you, if not all of you have been in my shoes, and you know the pain I'm feeling.
Baby is a blessing, and she is my everything. As much sweetness as she has brought me, my only hope is to make her remaining time here as sweet as possible.
I'm going to work in the morning, but I'm telling them to take me off the schedule for a week or so.
I have to try and keep one foot in reality, or else I'll sink in self pity. That's why I am posting tonight.
I went to have my colonoscopy this morning, and I'm glad to say I passed it with flying clear liquids.
After it was over with I rewarded myself with a bit of gluttony at IHOP.
I hope you all have a fantastic day.
Thank you Ana.
joe
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
````````````
Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."
Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal. And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
`````````````
My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."
I asked, "What happened'?
Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"
````````````
Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig.
He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and stained with lipstick marks, and every now and then, he took a swig of rum from a hip flask. He opened a magazine and began reading. Then he asked the nun, "Sister, what causes high blood pressure?"
The nun replied sarcastically, "It's the result of leading an amorous life, drinking too much rum, lack of discipline, and disregard for your fellow man."
"Oh my God!" muttered Sid, returning to his magazine.
The nun was felling a little guilty for her outburst and said, "Look, I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you. How long have you been suffering from high blood pressure?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
````````````````
John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening. The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything." John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for almost a year!"
``````````````````
Daisy, a resident nurse at the City hospital, was not satisfied with her job, so she resigned. She was confident that she would easily find another job due to the high demand for nurses in her locality. She sent e-mails with cover letters to several potential employers and attached her resume to each one. A couple of weeks later, Daisy was disappointed as she had not received a single invitation for an interview. Finally she received a mail from a prospective employer which explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetarian burritos recipe."
````````````
During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?" "Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it." The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?" Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me." The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?" "Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."
````````````
Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery. "I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims. "Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow." The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!" Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?" The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this." Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour." "An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes." "30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..." The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done." So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks. The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?" "Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes." "You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!" So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks. Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now." "Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick." "Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I want to say thank you all for your kind sympathies, and support.
To be honest, it's very hard for me to find either humor or joy right now, but I do find solace among my friends. I know that many of you, if not all of you have been in my shoes, and you know the pain I'm feeling.
Baby is a blessing, and she is my everything. As much sweetness as she has brought me, my only hope is to make her remaining time here as sweet as possible.
I'm going to work in the morning, but I'm telling them to take me off the schedule for a week or so.
I have to try and keep one foot in reality, or else I'll sink in self pity. That's why I am posting tonight.
I went to have my colonoscopy this morning, and I'm glad to say I passed it with flying clear liquids.
After it was over with I rewarded myself with a bit of gluttony at IHOP.
I hope you all have a fantastic day.
Thank you Ana.
joe
I know what you are going through. I still miss kitty version Venus every day.
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana venus and all. Joe I have been in your shoes so I understand what you are going thru with Baby. Sending hugs and love to comfort you. 
