Posted By: gymcandy1
Magnificent Monday - 06/26/17 03:24 AM
THEODOR SEUSS GEISEL (DR. SEUSS)
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
````````````
All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:
the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
``````````````
Lisa checked in at the Gates of Heaven and requested to join her former husband, Watson Woods.
Saint Peter said, "We have a million Watson Woods. Give us a little hint."
Lisa said, "My Watson is handsome, has a mole on his cheek, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he would turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter instructed an angel, "Take her to Whirling Watson!"
`````````````
Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled.
The attendant, while motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
`````````````
Brenda asked her friend Dara, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?
Dara replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"
``````````````
Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.
The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."
Robert asked, "How cold is it?"
Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"
```````````
John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.
John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."
Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"
John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"
"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.
John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."
"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.
John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.
When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
John, retorted, "Well, you haven't even touched the gift we gave you last year!"
`````````````````
Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.
Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."
"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."
`````````````
My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him for a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.
"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"
`````````````
John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.
But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"
"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."
The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.
Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"
````````````
Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."
The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.
The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"
Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Ana congratulations on your new status! I'm green with envy.
You deserve it of course.
I went to the sod farm. I got there at 7:30, and by 8:00 I had found 1 point, and by 12:30 I had found 1 point.....and a half.
I was happy to come home with another point to add to my collection.
Besides, if I found them all in one trip, I'd have nothing to look forward to.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
````````````
All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:
the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
``````````````
Lisa checked in at the Gates of Heaven and requested to join her former husband, Watson Woods.
Saint Peter said, "We have a million Watson Woods. Give us a little hint."
Lisa said, "My Watson is handsome, has a mole on his cheek, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he would turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter instructed an angel, "Take her to Whirling Watson!"
`````````````
Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled.
The attendant, while motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
`````````````
Brenda asked her friend Dara, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?
Dara replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"
``````````````
Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.
The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."
Robert asked, "How cold is it?"
Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"
```````````
John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.
John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."
Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"
John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"
"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.
John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."
"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.
John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.
When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
John, retorted, "Well, you haven't even touched the gift we gave you last year!"
`````````````````
Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.
Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."
"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."
`````````````
My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him for a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.
"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"
`````````````
John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.
But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"
"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."
The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.
Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"
````````````
Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."
The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.
The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"
Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Ana congratulations on your new status! I'm green with envy.
You deserve it of course.
I went to the sod farm. I got there at 7:30, and by 8:00 I had found 1 point, and by 12:30 I had found 1 point.....and a half.
I was happy to come home with another point to add to my collection.
Besides, if I found them all in one trip, I'd have nothing to look forward to.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Congrats Joe on finding another point! Ana what's up today? Coffee and tea are ready.
Are you recovered from your James time? Sorry you were flooded, but at least it didn't make it into your house. 