Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 06/28/17 03:20 AM
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
`````````
You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:
1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
2. "Have you had your shots?"
3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."
7. "You can have those Fritos."
8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."
13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
16. "It used to be a lot longer."
17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
19. "Don't smoke near it."
20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
21. "The fire hardly touched this side."
22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
``````````````
There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.
After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with an amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me.........gassy."
`````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his spandex shorts on class was over.
I resemble that joke.
```````````````
William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.
```````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand. "Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess. "From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
````````````
Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids...............I'll never forget that game of poker..".
``````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well today was pretty much a carbon copy of yesterday, but quite a bit warmer, so my trip to the park was earlier, and it was to the Calera park, not the Durant park.
The rest of the day I hibernated inside and did exercises. Then after 8:00pm I took the dogs around the block for a walk.
Baby walks very slowly. You can tell it's a lot of effort for her, but she's still always eager to go.
Wednesday will be another one of these same cookie-cutter days where it's too hot to do anything outside.
I hope you all have a very happy day.
joe
I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
`````````
You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:
1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
2. "Have you had your shots?"
3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."
7. "You can have those Fritos."
8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."
13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
16. "It used to be a lot longer."
17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
19. "Don't smoke near it."
20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
21. "The fire hardly touched this side."
22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
``````````````
There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.
After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with an amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me.........gassy."
`````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his spandex shorts on class was over.
I resemble that joke.
```````````````
William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.
```````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand. "Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess. "From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
````````````
Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids...............I'll never forget that game of poker..".
``````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well today was pretty much a carbon copy of yesterday, but quite a bit warmer, so my trip to the park was earlier, and it was to the Calera park, not the Durant park.
The rest of the day I hibernated inside and did exercises. Then after 8:00pm I took the dogs around the block for a walk.
Baby walks very slowly. You can tell it's a lot of effort for her, but she's still always eager to go.
Wednesday will be another one of these same cookie-cutter days where it's too hot to do anything outside.
I hope you all have a very happy day.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
