Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip and Surf Sunday - 07/09/17 03:35 AM
George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
````````````
My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m going into screen saver mode.”
``````````
While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
```````````
A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
`````
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
```````````
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
``````````
As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
``````````
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
```````````
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
```````
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
```````
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
```````
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
````````
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
`````````````
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
`````````````
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
````````````
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
````````````````
Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
````````````
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Ready for another one I hope?
I also hope it's a nice one. Saturday was supposed to get up to 95 here, and I suppose it got that hot. I don't know, I never went out until about 6:00, and it was really very nice outside.
I know we had a front come through. It was extremely windy all afternoon.
I didn't expect temperatures that low today and I wish I had gone to the creek today instead.
I plan on going in the morning early for a few hours. The flash flood is over, and the water is back down and clear, and I'm chopping at the bit to check it out.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
``````````````
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
````````````
My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m going into screen saver mode.”
``````````
While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry.
```````````
A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.
Client: You did my tattoo backward!
Tattoo artist: It’s backward?
Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!
`````
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
```````````
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
``````````
As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
``````````
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
```````````
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
```````
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
```````
A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
```````
Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”
````````
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
`````````````
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
`````````````
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
````````````
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
````````````````
Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
````````````
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Ready for another one I hope?
I also hope it's a nice one. Saturday was supposed to get up to 95 here, and I suppose it got that hot. I don't know, I never went out until about 6:00, and it was really very nice outside.
I know we had a front come through. It was extremely windy all afternoon.
I didn't expect temperatures that low today and I wish I had gone to the creek today instead.
I plan on going in the morning early for a few hours. The flash flood is over, and the water is back down and clear, and I'm chopping at the bit to check it out.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
Enjoy your day Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
And then, I think I'll find a game to play. 
Taking him to the vet tomorrow to have them check his foot. We enjoyed a super production of Mary Poppins this afternoon and then dinner afterwards. Work week comes early tomorrow so will be getting the buddies fed here soon and then calling it a day 