Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday - 07/17/17 02:23 AM
Mother Teresa
Don’t look for big things, just do small things with great love.
`````````
We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic- looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”
`````````````
My mother was standing on the bus when she noticed that a man holding on to the same pole was staring at her. Finally, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”
“Well,” she said, “go ahead.”
“This is my pole,” he said.
My mother was confused until he added, “I just bought it at a store to hold up my shower curtain.”
````````````
I think I’ve finally decoded the language of sale-a-day websites:
Statement jewelry = large and ugly
Lots of personality = odd and ugly
Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly
``````````
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
`````````
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
`````````
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
``````````````
There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:
• I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I’d read off was upper- or lowercase.
• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.
• A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.
• I’m a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
`````````
A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”
`````````
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
```````````
Heard over the plant’s paging system: “Will John Porter please return to where you were before you went where you are.”
````````````
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
``````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Are you ready to unwrap a new week?
I do enjoy my relaxing weekends.
I went out to the sod farm this morning, and the first thing I noticed was that he had started taking sod from the back left corner where most of the artifacts are.
Chomping at the bit, I jumped out and started looking. I found my first point not 2 minutes out of the gate.
Then after walking almost all of the field area, I found another half point. Then I moved back to the dig site, and between then and 12:00 I found 2 more points, and another half point. It's always nice to come back with some more points to add to my case.
The heat and humidity were a killer though.
I'm hoping he'll take the sod from the rest of that back corner soon. I'll drive back out there in a week to check.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Don’t look for big things, just do small things with great love.
`````````
We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic- looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”
`````````````
My mother was standing on the bus when she noticed that a man holding on to the same pole was staring at her. Finally, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”
“Well,” she said, “go ahead.”
“This is my pole,” he said.
My mother was confused until he added, “I just bought it at a store to hold up my shower curtain.”
````````````
I think I’ve finally decoded the language of sale-a-day websites:
Statement jewelry = large and ugly
Lots of personality = odd and ugly
Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly
``````````
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
`````````
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
`````````
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
``````````````
There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:
• I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I’d read off was upper- or lowercase.
• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.
• A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.
• I’m a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
`````````
A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”
`````````
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
```````````
Heard over the plant’s paging system: “Will John Porter please return to where you were before you went where you are.”
````````````
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
``````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Are you ready to unwrap a new week?
I do enjoy my relaxing weekends.
I went out to the sod farm this morning, and the first thing I noticed was that he had started taking sod from the back left corner where most of the artifacts are.
Chomping at the bit, I jumped out and started looking. I found my first point not 2 minutes out of the gate.
Then after walking almost all of the field area, I found another half point. Then I moved back to the dig site, and between then and 12:00 I found 2 more points, and another half point. It's always nice to come back with some more points to add to my case.
The heat and humidity were a killer though.
I'm hoping he'll take the sod from the rest of that back corner soon. I'll drive back out there in a week to check.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
looney. 
