Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 07/20/17 02:57 AM
Oscar Wilde
[E]very saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
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Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one.
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.
``````````````
It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like these handed in by travelers to England.
• “I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?”
• “Do you know if it’s easier to find a wife in England? I’m struggling here [in Peru].”
• “Is everybody friends with the queen?”
```````````
My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.”
I was her boss.
````````````
For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with a rowdy customer. At the end of the night, he demanded, “Where’s the bathroom!?”
“Go down the hallway, and you’ll see a door marked gentlemen,” she said. “But don’t let that deter you.”
````````````
From a church bulletin: “The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.”
````````````
Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: “No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.”
My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense.
“Parker, that’s absolutely not true,” she said. “Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.”
````````````
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
````````````
It’s easy to get disoriented when visiting New York City. One befuddled tourist asked his hotel concierge, “The last time we were in NYC, we got out of a subway, and we saw some water and some boats. Do you know where that is?”
`````````````
I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself.
“I thought your doctor told you to stop eating candy,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t have to listen to him anymore,” she replied.
“Why not?”
“He died.”
`````````
My daughter said something to me that I didn’t think was very polite. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent.
```````````
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”
My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”
``````````
My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.” I waited and waited, but she never sent it. Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me.
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Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
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Good morning everyboomie.
My granddad used to pump milk right from the cow to our mouths.
It was very warm.....yuk!
I like my milk colder than a witche's...you know what. Especially if you're a witch.
Not that I think anyone here is.
When I got up this morning I had a case of focus pocus.
I thought my eyes were playing tricks om me.
Then I realized I went to sleep with my sun glasses on.
How long now till we fall back??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
[E]very saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
`````````
Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one.
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.
``````````````
It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like these handed in by travelers to England.
• “I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?”
• “Do you know if it’s easier to find a wife in England? I’m struggling here [in Peru].”
• “Is everybody friends with the queen?”
```````````
My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.”
I was her boss.
````````````
For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with a rowdy customer. At the end of the night, he demanded, “Where’s the bathroom!?”
“Go down the hallway, and you’ll see a door marked gentlemen,” she said. “But don’t let that deter you.”
````````````
From a church bulletin: “The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.”
````````````
Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: “No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.”
My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense.
“Parker, that’s absolutely not true,” she said. “Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.”
````````````
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
````````````
It’s easy to get disoriented when visiting New York City. One befuddled tourist asked his hotel concierge, “The last time we were in NYC, we got out of a subway, and we saw some water and some boats. Do you know where that is?”
`````````````
I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself.
“I thought your doctor told you to stop eating candy,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t have to listen to him anymore,” she replied.
“Why not?”
“He died.”
`````````
My daughter said something to me that I didn’t think was very polite. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent.
```````````
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”
My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”
``````````
My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.” I waited and waited, but she never sent it. Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me.
``````````
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
My granddad used to pump milk right from the cow to our mouths.
It was very warm.....yuk!
I like my milk colder than a witche's...you know what. Especially if you're a witch.
Not that I think anyone here is.
When I got up this morning I had a case of focus pocus.
I thought my eyes were playing tricks om me.
Then I realized I went to sleep with my sun glasses on.
How long now till we fall back??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I fall back into bed every night Joe ... wishing you a blessed day tomorrow.
)
Good Morning Joe, soot, Ana, venus and all. Joe love the funnies. Soot enjoy your day. Ana I've been up since 3AM. No matter what time I go to bed I always wake up early! Venus it sounds like a busy few days ahead! Coffee and tea are ready.
I'll have a cup of grits and coffee to go Connie and Gerry...I'm hitting the road today as soon as I sign off...I've completed my mission here and getting ready to meet and greet my new grandson after short trip North.
Apparently there have been a lot of complaints in this area, but hey, when you are the only game in town you can do what you want. 