Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 08/03/17 03:16 AM
Ann Landers
Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.
`````````
I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”
``````````
Watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said. “I can’t hear.”
“I should hope not,” she answered. “This is a private conversation.”
```````````
My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.
“Honey!” he called excitedly. “Come see what I found!”
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.
`````````
The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
“Those must be real diamonds,” she said.
“Yes,” I said. “How could you tell?”
“Because,” she said, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”
```````````
When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.
“How long have you been married?” I asked.
“Ten years,” she replied.
`````````
“What is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”
````````
True Stories From Comic History
1940s
“Once in Virginia,” said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, “I passed a small church displaying a large sign.
It read ‘Annual Strawberry Festival’ and, below in small letters, ‘On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'”
–Boston Transcript
```````````
1950s
The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, “To stay out of trouble, say ‘Yes, sir’ all day and ‘No, sir’ all night.”
–Anonymous
``````````
1960s
A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. “Maybe it’s our long hair,” I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: “Going to the barber’s.” Within seconds we had our ride.
–Raymond Butkus
``````````
1970s
A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women’s lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, “Adam was a rough draft,” proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: “Eve was no prime rib.”
–Phyllis Reely
````````````
1980s
While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl’s hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. “What do you think?” he asked his girlfriend.
“Take them off!” she howled. “They make you look ridiculous.”
–Audrey Kelly
````````````
1990s
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. “How do you get out of here?” Jim asked.
The fellow smiled and said, “No cheese for you.”
–Christine Probasco
```````````
2000s
I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.”
“Sweetheart,” my mother gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
–M.M.
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
As Gordon Lightfoot put it, "If you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell."
Actually today wasn't bad. We were cloudy and cool all morning.
Then it got hot.
It was wet this morning, so I didn't mess with getting mower gas, or doing any mowing, so you know what's on my plate for Thursday.
Tonight is going down to 68, and tomorrow's only 91 for a high, so it shouldn't be too bad in the morning.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.
`````````
I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”
``````````
Watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said. “I can’t hear.”
“I should hope not,” she answered. “This is a private conversation.”
```````````
My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.
“Honey!” he called excitedly. “Come see what I found!”
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.
`````````
The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
“Those must be real diamonds,” she said.
“Yes,” I said. “How could you tell?”
“Because,” she said, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”
```````````
When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.
“How long have you been married?” I asked.
“Ten years,” she replied.
`````````
“What is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”
````````
True Stories From Comic History
1940s
“Once in Virginia,” said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, “I passed a small church displaying a large sign.
It read ‘Annual Strawberry Festival’ and, below in small letters, ‘On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'”
–Boston Transcript
```````````
1950s
The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, “To stay out of trouble, say ‘Yes, sir’ all day and ‘No, sir’ all night.”
–Anonymous
``````````
1960s
A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. “Maybe it’s our long hair,” I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: “Going to the barber’s.” Within seconds we had our ride.
–Raymond Butkus
``````````
1970s
A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women’s lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, “Adam was a rough draft,” proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: “Eve was no prime rib.”
–Phyllis Reely
````````````
1980s
While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl’s hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. “What do you think?” he asked his girlfriend.
“Take them off!” she howled. “They make you look ridiculous.”
–Audrey Kelly
````````````
1990s
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. “How do you get out of here?” Jim asked.
The fellow smiled and said, “No cheese for you.”
–Christine Probasco
```````````
2000s
I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.”
“Sweetheart,” my mother gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
–M.M.
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
As Gordon Lightfoot put it, "If you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell."
Actually today wasn't bad. We were cloudy and cool all morning.
Then it got hot.
It was wet this morning, so I didn't mess with getting mower gas, or doing any mowing, so you know what's on my plate for Thursday.
Tonight is going down to 68, and tomorrow's only 91 for a high, so it shouldn't be too bad in the morning.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
He has the right idea; he's just going to keep sleeping. 
