Posted by: gymcandy1

TGIF - 10/05/17 07:15 PM

H. L. Mencken

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Life Truths

The truths about life, that little children have learnt:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

The great truths about life, that adults have learnt:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old:

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Great truths about the different stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Great truths about success in life:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Booze Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson

Funny Letters

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

* * * * * * * * * *

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

* * * * * * * * * *

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your --- and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson


Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Concerned Golfer


Good morning everyboomie. wave2

I'm getting ready for some Thursday Night Football. yay

It ain't my team, but may well be more exciting to watch than watching my team. razz

Anyway it'll be a nice evening of TV, followed by an even nicer evening of sleep..........hopefully. happydance

Sleeping well just hasn't been in my color wheel lately. rolleyes

I must not be expending enough energy during the day time. duh

What....a....predicament. headscratch

Have a happy day everyone. thumbsup

Posted by: soot

Re: TGIF - 10/05/17 07:21 PM

Should be a good game Joe ... er, I think ... well I hope

Ah Friday's eve ... it just doesn't get any better than that during the week

Except the weekend's eve

See you all in the morning

Posted by: venus

Re: TGIF - 10/05/17 10:20 PM

Enjoy the game and your sleep, Joe.

Soot, weekend's eve is definitely the best. yes

My day turned out well. It was a short work day, and I had a good amount of gaming time and an especially good vocal practice. thumbsup Now I'm off to sleep, as I have to be up at 5 am. Tomorrow should be a medium length day, which shouldn't be too bad. smile

Hope everyone has a terrific Friday. fall
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 10/05/17 11:20 PM

Good day Joe, soot, venus and all!

Lots of chores to do, but a rainy day is on tap so its ok.

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 03:53 AM

fall Good Morning Joe, soot, venus, Ana and all. I'm up early again this morning. Wish I could sleep later! Coffee and tea are ready.
Have a great day everyone! fall
Posted by: GBC

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 07:06 AM

Good Morning Boomers fall

Joe, sleep well hopefully. Thanks for the laughs.

Ana, hope your chores are easy.

Soot, good morning. Have a great day!

Gerry, coffee needed as usual. Thanks.

Venus, hope your work is easy today.

Wishing everyone a super good day today. puppy
Posted by: connie

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 07:18 AM

Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful TGIF. Not sure what the evening will bring yet. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall
Posted by: soot

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 08:50 AM

I hope the day brings something new and good Gail, Connie and Gerry...I'll have a cuppa and Danish to go thanks

What did you think of the game Joe? ...not bad unless of course you're a Tampa Bay Buccaneer think

Hope your medium day is all it can be Venus laugh

Good luck with chores Ana

See you all later today wave2

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 09:59 AM

Unfortunately, another sleepless night for me. Fell asleep at 4am, listened to the rain all night and was wide awake. Unfortunately, the dogs still need to go out, so had to get up at 8, That's after an hour of nudging me. It will be a long day.
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 10:55 AM

Off to Wally Mart early to buy my tenants a new porch light. The perfectly suitable one that I put there when I bought the place was fine, but they kept breaking the glass 'globe'. More like a jar actually. Just a simple light. So over the years and replacing the glass several times, they finally decided to change the light to some strange plastic thingy. Weird, but oh well, they bought it, they put it up. So yesterday, the mom brings me the plastic cover, which has disintegrated in the sunlight. I now have to go buy a new 'suitable' light and have my other tenant/friend install it. I am bribing him with lunch. He's not a volunteer so it's a bit difficult to enlist his aid, but I can't reach up to put the new one in with my on going back problems.

So now, the question is should I buy an EXTRA glass globe since they always break them??? rotfl
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 05:02 PM

Hi guys, Back from a Going Home celebration for a friend of ours who passed away on the 1st. Boys will be coming in with dad tonight as I wasn't sure what time we'd get home this afternoon. wavegirl
Posted by: soot

Re: TGIF - 10/06/17 05:09 PM

Well it's Friday Ana so I'm hoping the end of the week will provide the opportunity for sleep tonight for you

Nah...I wouldn't Sorta, I would wait till they break it wink

Posted by: venus

Re: TGIF - 10/07/17 02:31 AM

Good night, everyone. sleep