Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 10/14/17 01:48 AM
There is something haunting in the light of the moon; it has all the dispassionateness of a disembodied soul, and something of its inconceivable mystery.
~Joseph Conrad
````````````
A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.
It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.
And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
`````````````
The Shortest Books Ever Written
* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
```````````````
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is duffus cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
Betcha can't resist passing it on
````````````
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, your $on.
Reply from Dad..
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh
Love, Dad.
`````
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ???Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.
```````````
A Scotish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run laddie, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"
```````````
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
``````````````
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not here to be gypped?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
``````````
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"[blip]", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
````````````
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter
walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into
the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The
same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a
year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the
gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts
out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter
Heaven...but only for 2 days."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!!
I heard a great joke today. What do you do when you're attacked by a mob of angry clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What if you can't reach it??
We have another
90 degree day in store, and then 68 degrees on Sunday. Big drop there. As Elvis would say, "That's crazy man." 
That's October for you. You never know quite what you're gonna get around here weather-wise. Scary...
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Joseph Conrad
````````````
A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.
It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.
And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
`````````````
The Shortest Books Ever Written
* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
```````````````
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is duffus cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
Betcha can't resist passing it on
````````````
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, your $on.
Reply from Dad..
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh
Love, Dad.
`````
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ???Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.
```````````
A Scotish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run laddie, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"
```````````
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
``````````````
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not here to be gypped?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
``````````
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"[blip]", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
````````````
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter
walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into
the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The
same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a
year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the
gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts
out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter
Heaven...but only for 2 days."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!!
I heard a great joke today. What do you do when you're attacked by a mob of angry clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What if you can't reach it??
We have another
90 degree day in store, and then 68 degrees on Sunday. Big drop there. As Elvis would say, "That's crazy man." That's October for you. You never know quite what you're gonna get around here weather-wise. Scary...
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
It was still more expensive than I would have preferred but not nearly as expensive as it would have been had I taken it anywhere else. It seems I saved over two hundred dollars, which is pretty fantastic.
so sorry to hear that Sorta