Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday's - 10/16/17 01:42 AM
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
~Robert Brault,
`````````````
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
````````````
Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
```````
Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said "Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives."
Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!"
A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"
The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."
````````````
On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.
Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"
So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...
life has now been explained.
``````````
Three friends were backpacking through europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.
When they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.
After seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.
The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled "I want to be a hawk" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away. The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled "I want to be a a mountain goat" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away. The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling "ohh crrraaappp" SPLAT!
``````````````
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister" says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'
```````````
Caddy-Golfer Dialogues
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a new week! Sunday was a great end to last week.
I watched 3 great games. I had to flip back and fourth between 2 of them playing at the same time though.
Boy what a game between Pittsburg and Kansas City!
I wouldn't have predicted the way that one finished.
In my home state, the Houston Texans won. Yehaa!
I'm watching Denver and the Giants play now.
Kansas City lost their first game today. Now I'm wondering if the Giants will win their first game.
I doubt it.....However, they ARE about to score first, so we'll see.
Have a happy day ever body.
joe
~Robert Brault,
`````````````
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
````````````
Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
```````
Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said "Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives."
Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!"
A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"
The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."
````````````
On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.
Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"
So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...
life has now been explained.
``````````
Three friends were backpacking through europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.
When they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.
After seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.
The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled "I want to be a hawk" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away. The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled "I want to be a a mountain goat" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away. The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling "ohh crrraaappp" SPLAT!
``````````````
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister" says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'
```````````
Caddy-Golfer Dialogues
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a new week! Sunday was a great end to last week.
I watched 3 great games. I had to flip back and fourth between 2 of them playing at the same time though.
Boy what a game between Pittsburg and Kansas City!
I wouldn't have predicted the way that one finished.
In my home state, the Houston Texans won. Yehaa!
I'm watching Denver and the Giants play now.
Kansas City lost their first game today. Now I'm wondering if the Giants will win their first game.
I doubt it.....However, they ARE about to score first, so we'll see.
Have a happy day ever body.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Sounds like a great weekend for you Joe. Coffee and tea are ready.
Stuff to do, of course!
