Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 11/07/17 01:59 AM
Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.
Woody Allen
```````````````
Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
seltzer.
```````````````
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent f art .. what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
`````````````
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, Quick pour me twelve drinks.
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.
The guys says, Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.
The bartender says, What've you got?
As he gulps the last drink, the guy says, 75 cents.
`````````````
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
`````````
During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."
"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.
A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.
"Yes Sir!" Black answers.
This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"
````````````
Good morning ever boomie.
I was absolutely right. Monday was a great day............as Monday's go.
It was a cool day, especially in the morning. We only got up to 64 degrees.
I took the dogs to the park early, and then went to Walmart for goods.
Yes the Cowboys won yesterday so I'm still basking in the afterglow of that.
They won again last night, and they won again this afternoon.....in instant replay.
Speaking of instant replays, hoping your Tuesday is as good as my Monday was.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Woody Allen
```````````````
Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
seltzer.
```````````````
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent f art .. what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
`````````````
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, Quick pour me twelve drinks.
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.
The guys says, Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.
The bartender says, What've you got?
As he gulps the last drink, the guy says, 75 cents.
`````````````
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
`````````
During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."
"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.
A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.
"Yes Sir!" Black answers.
This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"
````````````
Good morning ever boomie.
I was absolutely right. Monday was a great day............as Monday's go.
It was a cool day, especially in the morning. We only got up to 64 degrees.
I took the dogs to the park early, and then went to Walmart for goods.
Yes the Cowboys won yesterday so I'm still basking in the afterglow of that.
They won again last night, and they won again this afternoon.....in instant replay.
Speaking of instant replays, hoping your Tuesday is as good as my Monday was.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and everyone. Our temperature is 42 degrees this morning but we are going to get as cold as you Ana by the end of the week! Coffee , tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Sorta. Hopefully today will end it for you!
