Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 11/10/17 01:56 AM
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
~Lily Tomlin~
``````````````
Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'".
The Pope replys, "Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible". Sanders says, "How about $7,000?". "Sorry, I cannot", The Pope replys. "$8,000"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, "Well, alright".
Later he goes to the cardinals and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread."
`````````````
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
or so they say.....
```````````
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
``````````
A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The
bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you
don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."
I hear it's a bear to get a beer in Baraboo.
`````````````
Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns.
Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.
He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker."
"Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke."
"The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to pee!"
`````````
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
```````````````
A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.
Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.
So she returned to bed without taking the drug.
Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.
He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.
She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you."
"OK," he said, "but I think already know what it is ... you ate my socks."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It'S FRIDAY!!
Friday's are still a great state of mind for me.
But right this very moment, I'm getting ready for a great ball game.
There's no doubt this'll be a super game to watch. The Arizona Cardinals and the Seattle Seahawks.
Should be high scoring game.
Reminds me of when I was young and irresistible. You know......high scoring?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Lily Tomlin~
``````````````
Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'".
The Pope replys, "Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible". Sanders says, "How about $7,000?". "Sorry, I cannot", The Pope replys. "$8,000"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, "Well, alright".
Later he goes to the cardinals and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread."
`````````````
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
or so they say.....
```````````
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
``````````
A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The
bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you
don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."
I hear it's a bear to get a beer in Baraboo.
`````````````
Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns.
Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.
He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker."
"Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke."
"The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to pee!"
`````````
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
```````````````
A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.
Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.
So she returned to bed without taking the drug.
Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.
He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.
She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you."
"OK," he said, "but I think already know what it is ... you ate my socks."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It'S FRIDAY!!
Friday's are still a great state of mind for me.
But right this very moment, I'm getting ready for a great ball game.
There's no doubt this'll be a super game to watch. The Arizona Cardinals and the Seattle Seahawks.
Should be high scoring game.
Reminds me of when I was young and irresistible. You know......high scoring?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. It's chilly here to Ana! How are you feeling? Joe enjoy the game. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
