Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip & Surf Sunday - 11/12/17 01:53 AM
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
~George Carlin~
`````````````````````
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
```````````
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?"
The man looking angrier and replied, "I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
`````````
Things actually said in court:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a b---h, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I only thought you were a son of a b---h?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a b---h.
`````````````
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
````````````
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.;"
```````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie. Here's an oldie but a goodie for you.
I'm not really sure what day this is, but I'm sure of one thing, I don't care.
I got some new pills from my psychiatrist, and everything is A-ok hunky dory.
I don't even care that the government has tapped my phone, and bugged my house.
The government has been bugging me for years anyway, along with most employers I've worked for.............and my sister.
My regular doctor gave me a pill to use to boost my stamina for exercise, but when I took it, it lasted for over 4 hours, and was rather embarrassing when I went out for groceries.
Also it almost gave me a stroke...........or two.
I feel great now though, exhausted but great.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~George Carlin~
`````````````````````
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
```````````
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?"
The man looking angrier and replied, "I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
`````````
Things actually said in court:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a b---h, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I only thought you were a son of a b---h?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a b---h.
`````````````
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
````````````
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.;"
```````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie. Here's an oldie but a goodie for you.
I'm not really sure what day this is, but I'm sure of one thing, I don't care.
I got some new pills from my psychiatrist, and everything is A-ok hunky dory.
I don't even care that the government has tapped my phone, and bugged my house.
The government has been bugging me for years anyway, along with most employers I've worked for.............and my sister.
My regular doctor gave me a pill to use to boost my stamina for exercise, but when I took it, it lasted for over 4 hours, and was rather embarrassing when I went out for groceries.
Also it almost gave me a stroke...........or two.
I feel great now though, exhausted but great.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joe, Joe, Joe! You leave me laughing and shaking my head some days! 
Finally we are able to go. We don't have a great internet connection down there so will spend the time watching movies and just relaxing with Holly. We'll be home on Thursday.
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Mary and everyone. Joe enjoy your day. Ana have a happy day too. Mary have fun at the seaside! Sounds like a lovely time ahead for you and the family!
