Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 11/17/17 01:31 AM
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
~Franklin P. Jones~
```````````````````````
"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I also finished my novel."
"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
````````````
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
````````````
Why Aren't You Married?
Here are some comeback answers:
------------------------------
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant
``````````````
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his [blip].
A young nurse says Why are you doing that?
He replies, It died today.
Oh that's terrible!, the nurse replied
The next day the man has his [blip] hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, I thought it died yesterday.
The man replies, It did. Today is the viewing.
```````````
A dog applied for a job as a high-powered secretary with a multinational company. The advertisement stated that the successful applicant must have good keyboard skills, a command of shorthand, and be able to speak a second language.
The interviewer sat the dog at the computer and watched in wonderment as the animal successfully carried out the most complex functions, including spreadsheets and e-mail. Then he gave the dog dictation and was impressed by the hounds ability to write a hundred and twenty words a minute in immaculate shorthand.
"Well," he said at the end of the interview, "It looks as if the job's yours. There's just one thing. What about the second language?"
To which the dog replied: "Meow!"
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
IT's FRIDAY!!!!!
Time to get ready for all your weekend activities and festivities.
My only weekend festivity will be to watch the Cowboys get slaughtered by the Eagles.
I hate the Eagles!
Other than that I'll enjoy myself with the little mutt and the bird.
Pretty much like I'll be doing today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Franklin P. Jones~
```````````````````````
"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I also finished my novel."
"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
````````````
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
````````````
Why Aren't You Married?
Here are some comeback answers:
------------------------------
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant
``````````````
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his [blip].
A young nurse says Why are you doing that?
He replies, It died today.
Oh that's terrible!, the nurse replied
The next day the man has his [blip] hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, I thought it died yesterday.
The man replies, It did. Today is the viewing.
```````````
A dog applied for a job as a high-powered secretary with a multinational company. The advertisement stated that the successful applicant must have good keyboard skills, a command of shorthand, and be able to speak a second language.
The interviewer sat the dog at the computer and watched in wonderment as the animal successfully carried out the most complex functions, including spreadsheets and e-mail. Then he gave the dog dictation and was impressed by the hounds ability to write a hundred and twenty words a minute in immaculate shorthand.
"Well," he said at the end of the interview, "It looks as if the job's yours. There's just one thing. What about the second language?"
To which the dog replied: "Meow!"
````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
IT's FRIDAY!!!!!
Time to get ready for all your weekend activities and festivities.
My only weekend festivity will be to watch the Cowboys get slaughtered by the Eagles.
I hate the Eagles!
Other than that I'll enjoy myself with the little mutt and the bird.
Pretty much like I'll be doing today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe and Ana enjoy your "quiet" day! Coffee and tea along with hot chocolate are ready.
I've been under weather for two weeks and it finally came to a head with a cold. It's a pouring rain kind of day so I am thankful all but two clients cancelled today. I have to go to the city tonight to celebrate a best friends birthday though. I'd rather be a slug. 