Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday's - 12/18/17 01:27 AM
Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values.
~Thomas S. Monson~
``````````````````
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
````````````
A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing.
She said you can't preach on water skiing. If you do I am not going.
So she stayed home in the house behind the church.
As the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach, he thought I don't know anything about water skiing.
I will preach on sex.
After church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.
The preachers wife said I'm really surprised, he only tried it twice. and fell off both times.
`````````
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES
UP?"
`````````````
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
```````````
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."
"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
```````````
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"
"Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
``````````````
An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".
The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".
This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
"Is everythink OK"? he asks.
"What do you mean", answers the guy.
"Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender asks.
"No", replies the Irish guy, "Theyr'e fine. It's just that I quit drinking".
`````````````
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
`````````````
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm getting ready to watch the Cowboy game, and I'm having trouble with my 'O' on the keyboard.
It keeps not wanting to work, so if it suddenly looks like I'm typing gibberish, that's why.
This computer's less than a year old, so I'm not happy about it.
I've been watching football all day, and I'm not too happy about the games I've watched, except for one of them.
Green Bay lost and I'm happy about that one.
Now if only Dallas can get a win, and give me a Christmas gift.
Have a happy day everyboomie.
joe
~Thomas S. Monson~
``````````````````
Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
````````````
A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing.
She said you can't preach on water skiing. If you do I am not going.
So she stayed home in the house behind the church.
As the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach, he thought I don't know anything about water skiing.
I will preach on sex.
After church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.
The preachers wife said I'm really surprised, he only tried it twice. and fell off both times.
`````````
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES
UP?"
`````````````
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
```````````
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."
"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
```````````
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"
"Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
``````````````
An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".
The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".
This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
"Is everythink OK"? he asks.
"What do you mean", answers the guy.
"Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender asks.
"No", replies the Irish guy, "Theyr'e fine. It's just that I quit drinking".
`````````````
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
`````````````
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm getting ready to watch the Cowboy game, and I'm having trouble with my 'O' on the keyboard.
It keeps not wanting to work, so if it suddenly looks like I'm typing gibberish, that's why.
This computer's less than a year old, so I'm not happy about it.
I've been watching football all day, and I'm not too happy about the games I've watched, except for one of them.
Green Bay lost and I'm happy about that one.
Now if only Dallas can get a win, and give me a Christmas gift.
Have a happy day everyboomie.
joe