Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 12/21/17 01:48 AM
The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.
~Alice Cooper~
``````````````
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.
The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.
Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
``````````
Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets
it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .45. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the
air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes
another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun.
Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor.
The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians."
I may be slow, but I know when I think I've been insulted. 
``````````````
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The fish." replied the warden.
"What fish?" The man asked.
`````````````
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
`````````````
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was
very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is
virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak
Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third,
our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all
over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also
didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
``````````````
Good morning good friends.
It's Dec. 2nd, and we're going to be a sunny 71 degrees outside.
There is however, an 80% chance it will snow in my house. I have my air conditioner going full blast and a sprinkler going in each room.
We actually do have a chance of snow on Sunday. A 'very slight' chance.
The sunny 71 degrees will be a welcome change from the last four days of dark overcast skies.
Yesterday we had rain all day, but not enough. We even lost power last night for a half hour, and got it back just when I finally found some candles, and more importantly some matches, and was lighting them.
Thursday will be a good day to sit outside in the sun and do my nails.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Alice Cooper~
``````````````
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.
The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.
Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
``````````
Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets
it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .45. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the
air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes
another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun.
Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor.
The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians."
I may be slow, but I know when I think I've been insulted. ``````````````
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The fish." replied the warden.
"What fish?" The man asked.
`````````````
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
`````````````
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was
very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is
virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak
Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third,
our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all
over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also
didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
``````````````
Good morning good friends.
It's Dec. 2nd, and we're going to be a sunny 71 degrees outside.
There is however, an 80% chance it will snow in my house. I have my air conditioner going full blast and a sprinkler going in each room.
We actually do have a chance of snow on Sunday. A 'very slight' chance.
The sunny 71 degrees will be a welcome change from the last four days of dark overcast skies.
Yesterday we had rain all day, but not enough. We even lost power last night for a half hour, and got it back just when I finally found some candles, and more importantly some matches, and was lighting them.
Thursday will be a good day to sit outside in the sun and do my nails.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I would like to add a number to mine too! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. It's cold here to Ana in the 20s. Snow sleet and freezing rain expected for Friday night and Saturday morning. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
