Posted By: gymcandy1
January 1st, 2018 Diner - 01/01/18 02:11 AM
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
~Maya Angelou~
``````````````
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
``````````
Top Stories For The Year 2035
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --[blip]
you, Chelsea!
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotherby's for $4.6
million.
9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.
11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.
14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.
````````````
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
`````````````
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."
````````````````
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
````````````
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
Breast fed, the woman replied.
Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.
I know, she said, I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.
``````````````
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
``````````````
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The bartender asks "So, what happened to your leg?"
The pirate says "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off."
"Oh," said the bartender,"what happened to your hand?"
The pirate replies, "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword."
The bartender then asked,"Well what happened to your eye?"
The pirate answered, "Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye."
"And that caused your eye to be put out?," asked the bartender.
To this the pirate said,"No, first day with me hook!"
````````````
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
HAPPY NEW YEAR and HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH!!
My son and his girl friend are coming up from San Antonio today for a couple of days.
Not sure what we'll be doing, but not worried about it.
We are pretty cold for these parts. Got up to 27 degrees (our high), and we even got a little snow last night.
Going down to 12 degrees tonight, which may be our low point since last January or February.
At least I have a woman to sleep with..........who's big enough to keep my feet warm.
Have a warm, safe Happy New Year's Day everyone.
joe
~Maya Angelou~
``````````````
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
``````````
Top Stories For The Year 2035
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --[blip]
you, Chelsea!
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotherby's for $4.6
million.
9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.
11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.
14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.
````````````
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
`````````````
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."
````````````````
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
````````````
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
Breast fed, the woman replied.
Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.
I know, she said, I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.
``````````````
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
``````````````
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The bartender asks "So, what happened to your leg?"
The pirate says "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off."
"Oh," said the bartender,"what happened to your hand?"
The pirate replies, "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword."
The bartender then asked,"Well what happened to your eye?"
The pirate answered, "Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye."
"And that caused your eye to be put out?," asked the bartender.
To this the pirate said,"No, first day with me hook!"
````````````
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
HAPPY NEW YEAR and HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH!!
My son and his girl friend are coming up from San Antonio today for a couple of days.
Not sure what we'll be doing, but not worried about it.
We are pretty cold for these parts. Got up to 27 degrees (our high), and we even got a little snow last night.
Going down to 12 degrees tonight, which may be our low point since last January or February.
At least I have a woman to sleep with..........who's big enough to keep my feet warm.
Have a warm, safe Happy New Year's Day everyone.
joe
everyone! 
They are talking about possible snow flurries later this week. 
Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. 
-40 windchill. I only have two pups, a hamster and fish to take care of today so at least half are indoors! 
Thank you players and Coach Frost. Couch Frost you will be missed, but good luck in Nebraska. 
