Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 01/05/18 01:17 AM
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill~
```````````````````
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.
In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.
"No, sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.
"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
``````````
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
``````````
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
`````````````````
I tried to clean these up. If anyone is offended by any of them let me know, ok?
BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS:
"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)
"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)
"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the frig out of my way.)
"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the frig out of my way.)
"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, like the slut you are.)
`````````````````
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
````````````
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both [blip]pass gass shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
``````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
This will be another quickie, as I still have guest at my house.
IT'S FRIDAY!!!
My son goes back home today, but we've had a great time the past 3 days.
At least we have some warmer weather coming.
I hope it's warmer where you are.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Winston Churchill~
```````````````````
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.
In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.
"No, sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.
"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
``````````
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
``````````
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."
`````````````````
I tried to clean these up. If anyone is offended by any of them let me know, ok?
BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS:
"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)
"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)
"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the frig out of my way.)
"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the frig out of my way.)
"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, like the slut you are.)
`````````````````
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
````````````
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both [blip]pass gass shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
``````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
This will be another quickie, as I still have guest at my house.
IT'S FRIDAY!!!
My son goes back home today, but we've had a great time the past 3 days.
At least we have some warmer weather coming.
I hope it's warmer where you are.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
