Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday's - 01/29/18 02:05 AM
The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.
~Hubert H. Humphrey~
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These mistakes have been collected from Sundayschool teachers, Catholic school teachers and others
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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BEST FUNNY REDNECK PICKUP LINES
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d sure shootin’ put U and me together.
I may not have as many teeth as Fred Flinstone, but wanna watch me make my bedrock?
Your eyes are the same color as my 1972 Ford Pickup Truck. I mean without the mud. Or the nude girl on the mud flaps.
Howdy. You’re not the kinda unchristian girl that goes out drinking and then spends the night with the first loser she meets are ya? Well then, how about your uglier friend there?
Well, aren’t you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?
Hey Baby. Wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 11 anyway.
Can I make you a drink? My still is in the back of my camper- Or as I call it- my sheep shack.
Well, tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud! You are mighty purdy for a heavy girl.
Can I borrow your t-shirt? I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.
If I had a garden, I’d put your tulips next to my tulips. And then plant some watermelon and probably a few tomato plants. It’s a little late in the year for lettuce, but we might be able to still get a few green beans to grow, iffen we add enough fertilizer, and give ‘em a lot of evening water since day water can just kill off those suckers right quick, cuz of how strong the sun is and those water beads just act like a magnifier, which is great for zapping those sunbich aphids but don’t do the vegetables no good at all which is why- what was we talking about?
Tell me honey ham, did it hurt when the devil spit you up and you landed here?
Hi there darling. Wow, I bet you were really hot when you were about my age!
Roses are red. Spend the night with me and I’ll teach you all kinds of cool scientific stuff like that!
You’re hair is just about as purdy as that squirrel’s I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!
A few more beers, and I’d probly do ya. So give me a minute darling, and then I’ll give you one!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Ok here we go.
Not sure where, and I don't care because we gotta get outta the is place, if it's the last thing we ever do.
It's Grammy night, so I've gotta give a nod to some of the great songs of yesteryear.
That's where I'm from.
Think I'll kick back and listen to the music now.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
~Hubert H. Humphrey~
````````````````````
These mistakes have been collected from Sundayschool teachers, Catholic school teachers and others
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
```````````````
BEST FUNNY REDNECK PICKUP LINES
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d sure shootin’ put U and me together.
I may not have as many teeth as Fred Flinstone, but wanna watch me make my bedrock?
Your eyes are the same color as my 1972 Ford Pickup Truck. I mean without the mud. Or the nude girl on the mud flaps.
Howdy. You’re not the kinda unchristian girl that goes out drinking and then spends the night with the first loser she meets are ya? Well then, how about your uglier friend there?
Well, aren’t you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?
Hey Baby. Wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 11 anyway.
Can I make you a drink? My still is in the back of my camper- Or as I call it- my sheep shack.
Well, tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud! You are mighty purdy for a heavy girl.
Can I borrow your t-shirt? I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.
If I had a garden, I’d put your tulips next to my tulips. And then plant some watermelon and probably a few tomato plants. It’s a little late in the year for lettuce, but we might be able to still get a few green beans to grow, iffen we add enough fertilizer, and give ‘em a lot of evening water since day water can just kill off those suckers right quick, cuz of how strong the sun is and those water beads just act like a magnifier, which is great for zapping those sunbich aphids but don’t do the vegetables no good at all which is why- what was we talking about?
Tell me honey ham, did it hurt when the devil spit you up and you landed here?
Hi there darling. Wow, I bet you were really hot when you were about my age!
Roses are red. Spend the night with me and I’ll teach you all kinds of cool scientific stuff like that!
You’re hair is just about as purdy as that squirrel’s I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!
A few more beers, and I’d probly do ya. So give me a minute darling, and then I’ll give you one!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Ok here we go.
Not sure where, and I don't care because we gotta get outta the is place, if it's the last thing we ever do.
It's Grammy night, so I've gotta give a nod to some of the great songs of yesteryear.
That's where I'm from.
Think I'll kick back and listen to the music now.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
