Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 01/30/18 03:10 AM
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
~Buddha~
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"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
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“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
``````````
One night as I was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”
“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”
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My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.
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I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
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Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
`````````````
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who is super into it, so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
````````````
The Problem With Scooby-Doo
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
``````````````
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
`````````````
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
`````````````
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a new Tuesday!
The new Monday is now another 'old Monday' to file away with all the other old Mondays.
Question:
If you were starting a new chapter in your life today, what would you title it?
Inquiring minds want to know.
If it was a new chapter in my life, I guess I would call it.....Chapter 24,090....give or take a day.
Every day is a new chapter right?
Maybe, I'd call it 'Just Another Manic Tuesday'
Who knows?
Have a happy new chapter everyone.
joe
~Buddha~
````````
"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
```````````
“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
``````````
One night as I was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”
“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”
`````````
My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.
```````````
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
```````````
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
``````````
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
````````````
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
`````````````
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who is super into it, so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
````````````
The Problem With Scooby-Doo
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
``````````````
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
`````````````
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
`````````````
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
```````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to a new Tuesday!
The new Monday is now another 'old Monday' to file away with all the other old Mondays.
Question:
If you were starting a new chapter in your life today, what would you title it?
Inquiring minds want to know.
If it was a new chapter in my life, I guess I would call it.....Chapter 24,090....give or take a day.
Every day is a new chapter right?
Maybe, I'd call it 'Just Another Manic Tuesday'
Who knows?
Have a happy new chapter everyone.
joe
However, since it would have to be a musical, as I sing every day, people would be too likely to confuse it with that other musical of a similar name. 
Glad you're enjoying your job, and hope it's not too tiring for you today!
Wishing you all a cat happy day! 
