Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 04/04/18 01:45 AM
To me there is no picture so beautiful as smiling, bright-eyed, happy children; no music so sweet as their clear and ringing laughter.
~P. T. Barnum~
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Hilarious Redneck Jokes | Part 4 & 5 *
Why do you have a slightly higher IQ in Europe in average?
Because they don’t have rednecks.
Redneck divorce: “Get the heck outta my truck.”
Why do redneck girls have a really big belly button?
From meeting redneck guys.
One redneck girl to another: I think Billy Bob might be cheatin’ on me. I ain’t even sure the kids’re his.
Why is it OK for a redneck mama to call all her sons Harlan?
Because she can still refer to them by their different surnames.
I am having a redneck moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.
You know you live in a redneck neighborhood when the drinking age has been raised to 35 to keep alcohol out of schools.
It’s really easy to get a redneck into a dare.
That’s why so many of them die in such weird ways.
Yeah, it’s all fun about the rednecks – until the zombie apocalypse.
Then you need them.
Q: How did the redneck die from drinking milk?
A: The cow lay down.
Redneck: I like to eat my tacos over a tortilla. When stuff falls out, BOOM, I have a burrito.
How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, the other one to watch out for cars.
Q: What does a bottle of beer and a redneck have in common?
A: Nothing in there from the neck up.
Q: What do you have when you get 28 rednecks in one trailer?
A: A complete set of teeth.
Want to get a redneck in a fit of rage?
Say you’ve lost all his meth.
Redneck’s famous last words?
“You hold mah beer and watch this!”
Q: Why are redneck murders the toughest to crack?
A: Highly matching DNA in all suspects and no dental records.
``````````
Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
`````````
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
``````````````````
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh yeah? You took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
````````
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It’s when the blind try to read your face.
````````
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But it didn't work!
Father: Did I mention that the potato should go in the front?
Son: NO!!!
```````````
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
``````````
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
`````````
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
````````
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
`````````
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
``````
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well we didn't get any storms, wouldn't you know it. We may have gotten a small amount of rain.
One thing though, it was already 70 degrees when I got up. It's 59 degrees right now, but we got up to about 78 today. Enough to raise a good sweat out in the yard.
The other thing was the wind, which made it feel pretty nice outside for once.
I didn't go anywhere except to the park with the Misses.
I may go to the creek tomorrow, I may not. We're only going up to 61 for the high.
I guess tomorrow will tell.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~P. T. Barnum~
``````````````
Hilarious Redneck Jokes | Part 4 & 5 *
Why do you have a slightly higher IQ in Europe in average?
Because they don’t have rednecks.
Redneck divorce: “Get the heck outta my truck.”
Why do redneck girls have a really big belly button?
From meeting redneck guys.
One redneck girl to another: I think Billy Bob might be cheatin’ on me. I ain’t even sure the kids’re his.
Why is it OK for a redneck mama to call all her sons Harlan?
Because she can still refer to them by their different surnames.
I am having a redneck moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.
You know you live in a redneck neighborhood when the drinking age has been raised to 35 to keep alcohol out of schools.
It’s really easy to get a redneck into a dare.
That’s why so many of them die in such weird ways.
Yeah, it’s all fun about the rednecks – until the zombie apocalypse.
Then you need them.
Q: How did the redneck die from drinking milk?
A: The cow lay down.
Redneck: I like to eat my tacos over a tortilla. When stuff falls out, BOOM, I have a burrito.
How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, the other one to watch out for cars.
Q: What does a bottle of beer and a redneck have in common?
A: Nothing in there from the neck up.
Q: What do you have when you get 28 rednecks in one trailer?
A: A complete set of teeth.
Want to get a redneck in a fit of rage?
Say you’ve lost all his meth.
Redneck’s famous last words?
“You hold mah beer and watch this!”
Q: Why are redneck murders the toughest to crack?
A: Highly matching DNA in all suspects and no dental records.
``````````
Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
`````````
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
``````````````````
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh yeah? You took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
````````
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It’s when the blind try to read your face.
````````
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But it didn't work!
Father: Did I mention that the potato should go in the front?
Son: NO!!!
```````````
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
``````````
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
`````````
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
````````
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
`````````
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
``````
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well we didn't get any storms, wouldn't you know it. We may have gotten a small amount of rain.
One thing though, it was already 70 degrees when I got up. It's 59 degrees right now, but we got up to about 78 today. Enough to raise a good sweat out in the yard.
The other thing was the wind, which made it feel pretty nice outside for once.
I didn't go anywhere except to the park with the Misses.
I may go to the creek tomorrow, I may not. We're only going up to 61 for the high.
I guess tomorrow will tell.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
It shouldn't be quite as long, thankfully, but I still need to rest after the exhausting day I just had. 
