Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy TGIF Day - 04/06/18 01:47 AM
Fun is one of the most important - and underrated - ingredients in any successful venture. If you're not having fun, then it's probably time to call it quits and try something else.
~Richard Branson~
`````````````````
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
````````````
A man has usually no idea how often he normally f*arts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
```````````
The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).
```````
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
``````````
Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try f*arting in public just one time!
```````````
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
```````
Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.
```````````
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
`````````
Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
````````
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
````````
At a job interview:
“Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s f*art about your stupid opinion!”
```````
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
`````````
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the SOB fired me.
`````````
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
```````
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
```````````
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
```````
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
```````
I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
`````````
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
``````````
When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Mr Soot, thank you for contacting our help center. We pride ourself in our fast, courteous, confusing customer service. However, I'm not sure what you think I said corresponds with what I think I was talking about. If you wouldn't mind submitting your question again, I wouldn't mind sleeping on it, and getting back to you around the 32nd of this month.
We had a great day here after the clouds cleared out and it warmed up.
I decided to go to the creek this afternoon.
I left about 1:00, and I had a real good feeling about it.
I came home at about 4:00 with a bunch of bad feelings, in my feet, ankles, leg muscles, lower back, and some other places.
Really tired too.
Not 1 stinking point.
We have 80% chance for rain tonight, and 90% chance tomorrow.
We'll probably be in the 20% tonight, and the 10% tomorrow.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Richard Branson~
`````````````````
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
````````````
A man has usually no idea how often he normally f*arts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
```````````
The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).
```````
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
``````````
Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try f*arting in public just one time!
```````````
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
```````
Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.
```````````
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
`````````
Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
````````
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
````````
At a job interview:
“Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s f*art about your stupid opinion!”
```````
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
`````````
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the SOB fired me.
`````````
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
```````
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
```````````
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
```````
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
```````
I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
`````````
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
``````````
When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Mr Soot, thank you for contacting our help center. We pride ourself in our fast, courteous, confusing customer service. However, I'm not sure what you think I said corresponds with what I think I was talking about. If you wouldn't mind submitting your question again, I wouldn't mind sleeping on it, and getting back to you around the 32nd of this month.
We had a great day here after the clouds cleared out and it warmed up.
I decided to go to the creek this afternoon.
I left about 1:00, and I had a real good feeling about it.
I came home at about 4:00 with a bunch of bad feelings, in my feet, ankles, leg muscles, lower back, and some other places.
Really tired too.
Not 1 stinking point.
We have 80% chance for rain tonight, and 90% chance tomorrow.
We'll probably be in the 20% tonight, and the 10% tomorrow.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
enjoy your 3-day weekend!
Sorry you didn't find anything. Hope things go better next time!
I kind of hope they finish by 12, as I want to watch the stream for The Walking Dead Season 4 game. 
Ana enjoy your day. 
Venus Happy Day off Friday! 
Coffee and tea are ready. 
