Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 04/12/18 02:20 AM
All the screen cowboys behaved like real gentlemen. They didn't drink, they didn't smoke. When they knocked the bad guy down, they always stood with their fists up, waiting for the heavy to get back on his feet. I decided I was going to drag the bad guy to his feet and keep hitting him.
~John Wayne~
````````````
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened.
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.”
```````````
My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
```````
Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.
````````
Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
`````````
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
```````
In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
`````````
I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
````````
I called Debbie to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn’t our separation mean anything to her?
```````
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: I’m aware of that, but she has a wonderful personality.
```````
“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?”
–
“Your sense of humor.”
```````
Man to his wife, “Do you like it at the beach, darling?”
“Yes! The view makes me quite speechless, dear!”
“Awesome, we’re staying 3 weeks.”
```````
"If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you."
-
"Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re everything I have?"
```````
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about your husband.”
```````
Finally I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.
```````
An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.
When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
``````
Good morning everyboomie.
Another beautiful day down the drain, and I spent most of it sitting in my truck in heavy traffic down Dallas way.
The part where I wasn't behind the wheel of my truck, I spent laying on my back looking for random patterns in my ceiling plaster.
I had some problems sleeping the last two nights when my sinuses closed up, and I had to breath through my mouth.
I wake up in the middle of the night with a tongue that feels like it's been mummyfied.
Not pleasant at all.
Must be the season.
Tomorrow another day, but first, tonight's another night.
Ana I gotta get me one of those General Lee horns.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~John Wayne~
````````````
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened.
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.”
```````````
My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
```````
Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.
````````
Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
`````````
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
```````
In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
`````````
I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
````````
I called Debbie to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn’t our separation mean anything to her?
```````
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: I’m aware of that, but she has a wonderful personality.
```````
“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?”
–
“Your sense of humor.”
```````
Man to his wife, “Do you like it at the beach, darling?”
“Yes! The view makes me quite speechless, dear!”
“Awesome, we’re staying 3 weeks.”
```````
"If I’d known you were this poor, I’d never have married you."
-
"Don’t pretend I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re everything I have?"
```````
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about your husband.”
```````
Finally I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.
```````
An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.
When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
``````
Good morning everyboomie.
Another beautiful day down the drain, and I spent most of it sitting in my truck in heavy traffic down Dallas way.
The part where I wasn't behind the wheel of my truck, I spent laying on my back looking for random patterns in my ceiling plaster.
I had some problems sleeping the last two nights when my sinuses closed up, and I had to breath through my mouth.
I wake up in the middle of the night with a tongue that feels like it's been mummyfied.
Not pleasant at all.
Must be the season.
Tomorrow another day, but first, tonight's another night.
Ana I gotta get me one of those General Lee horns.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joe! I think the horn would be a great addition! Doctor visit in Dallas? Hope all is well. I hate not being able to breathe out of my nose. It's such a horrible thing!
