Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 04/26/18 02:23 AM
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your mouth shut.
-
~Albert Einstein~
`````````````````
Politically, Literally, Indescribably, Unabashedly, Wickedly, Wonderfully Incorrect Jokes
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
```````
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
`````
I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.
````````
Why did Lisa fall of the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Well, not Lisa, obviously.
``````````
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
`````````
“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.”
“Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!”
“No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
``````
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
````````
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
````````
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
-
No idea. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.
```````
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”
Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
``````
I want a divorce!
-
But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
-
I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.
````````
Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?
Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.
```````
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”
````````
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.
`````
Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.
-
That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm actually happy to see Mr Sun again today after a long pissy day yesterday that I had to sit around the house all day. I mean we could use the rain alright, but we really didn't get that much anyway.
I got my seats recovered okay, but I left it there at 8:00am, and didn't get it back until after 6:00pm, so I didn't get to drive around digging my new leather seats for very long.
They look pretty awesome.
I think that's probably what I'll do all day today, just drive around digging my new seats, and picking up strangers just to say hey how do you like the seats?
Hmmm, maybe I'll go to work for Uber or Lyft.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
-
~Albert Einstein~
`````````````````
Politically, Literally, Indescribably, Unabashedly, Wickedly, Wonderfully Incorrect Jokes
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
```````
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
`````
I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.
````````
Why did Lisa fall of the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Well, not Lisa, obviously.
``````````
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
`````````
“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.”
“Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!”
“No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
``````
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
````````
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
````````
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
-
No idea. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.
```````
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”
Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
``````
I want a divorce!
-
But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
-
I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.
````````
Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?
Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.
```````
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”
````````
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.
`````
Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.
-
That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm actually happy to see Mr Sun again today after a long pissy day yesterday that I had to sit around the house all day. I mean we could use the rain alright, but we really didn't get that much anyway.
I got my seats recovered okay, but I left it there at 8:00am, and didn't get it back until after 6:00pm, so I didn't get to drive around digging my new leather seats for very long.
They look pretty awesome.
I think that's probably what I'll do all day today, just drive around digging my new seats, and picking up strangers just to say hey how do you like the seats?
Hmmm, maybe I'll go to work for Uber or Lyft.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I have 5 stores again tomorrow, so I'm hoping there will be a "repeat performance" in that regard. 
