Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 05/26/18 01:14 AM
"I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night."
-
~Bill Hicks~
````````````
And here’s another lesson in good manners: Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next? Really poor taste at funerals.
````
A friend of mine asked if he could crash on the sofa. He said he’d like to stay at my place for a couple of nights.
He’s such a naive puppy. I’ve been married for six years now. Where does he think I sleep?
``````
Who doesn’t love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting the day with a long, loving kiss? Apparently the airline had a different take on these things.
```````
My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.
```````
Wife: Phillip, you have no clothes on, and you're oiled. Why?! Please explain yourself.
-
Husband: Well, you did nag me. You said that I never glisten!
`````
My wife had a terrible accident today with my car.
-
OMG, is she hurt?
-
Not yet. She locked herself in the bathroom.
```````
That awkward moment when you realize that marital vows have robbed you of your right to a fair share of blanket.
``````
Why did the donut visit the dentist?
To get a new filling.
``````
How did the bunny rob a snowman?
He took out his hair dryer and said: Give me that carrot!
```````
Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.
`````
“Name me five different animals, Johnny.”
“The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”
```````
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
``````
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.
They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: “These darn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“
````````
What is black – white – black – white – black – white?
A penguin rolling down a mountain!
``````
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A creature that sucks blood from your knees.
`````````
“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”
```````
Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
-
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
`````````
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t go very far with an empty tank.”
`````````
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
-
You stick with me and I will take you places!
```````
What happens when a cop gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
``````
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
"Grandma that's my laptop!"
`````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I may have to make a run to the sod farm Saturday morning.
I managed to get to Walmart this morning, and then get most of the way around the park before the skies clouded up and started to storming.
The thunder cracked so loud and so close that Missy turned around and started to run the other way. It had me ducking my head too.
It rained for most of the day.
We're supposed to hit 92 degrees Saturday, so I'll be heading out there pretty early.
Have a great weekend everyone.
joe
-
~Bill Hicks~
````````````
And here’s another lesson in good manners: Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next? Really poor taste at funerals.
````
A friend of mine asked if he could crash on the sofa. He said he’d like to stay at my place for a couple of nights.
He’s such a naive puppy. I’ve been married for six years now. Where does he think I sleep?
``````
Who doesn’t love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting the day with a long, loving kiss? Apparently the airline had a different take on these things.
```````
My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.
```````
Wife: Phillip, you have no clothes on, and you're oiled. Why?! Please explain yourself.
-
Husband: Well, you did nag me. You said that I never glisten!
`````
My wife had a terrible accident today with my car.
-
OMG, is she hurt?
-
Not yet. She locked herself in the bathroom.
```````
That awkward moment when you realize that marital vows have robbed you of your right to a fair share of blanket.
``````
Why did the donut visit the dentist?
To get a new filling.
``````
How did the bunny rob a snowman?
He took out his hair dryer and said: Give me that carrot!
```````
Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.
`````
“Name me five different animals, Johnny.”
“The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”
```````
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
``````
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.
They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: “These darn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“
````````
What is black – white – black – white – black – white?
A penguin rolling down a mountain!
``````
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A creature that sucks blood from your knees.
`````````
“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”
```````
Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
-
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
`````````
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t go very far with an empty tank.”
`````````
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
-
You stick with me and I will take you places!
```````
What happens when a cop gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
``````
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
"Grandma that's my laptop!"
`````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I may have to make a run to the sod farm Saturday morning.
I managed to get to Walmart this morning, and then get most of the way around the park before the skies clouded up and started to storming.
The thunder cracked so loud and so close that Missy turned around and started to run the other way. It had me ducking my head too.
It rained for most of the day.
We're supposed to hit 92 degrees Saturday, so I'll be heading out there pretty early.
Have a great weekend everyone.
joe
at the farm, Joe.
Have fun on Sunday, and hope your plumbing is fixed soon!
