Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 06/19/18 01:17 AM
“If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”
–
Bill Murray
```````````
True Stories From Reader's Digest
While passing by a park, my son Zach shouted, “Look, Mom! A tater-totter!”
```````
I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.
I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?”
I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.
````````
While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”
He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”
```````
My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”
````````
Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.
``````
When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?”
“Yes, he does,” I replied.
Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?”
Again, I replied yes. Then Keilei lifted her arms and yelled, “Thank you, Jesus! Grandma’s getting me a dog!”
``````
My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy.
One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found that? But I rewarded her with a treat and put the fur in the trash.
Later, she traded a second clump of fur for a treat. When she brought me another one, I realized it looked familiar.
Sure enough, there was no fur in the trash. Shadow was trading the same tuft for treats. She knew she was busted and innocently put her head on her paws and fell asleep.
``````````
My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”
``````
Joe always went to his local barber for a monthly shave and haircut. But one day the barber was ill. So the barber’s wife, Grace, took over. Joe noticed over subsequent weeks that his hair was not growing.
The barber, an evangelical Christian, explained the mystery. “When you’re shaved by Grace,” he said, “you’re once shaved, always shaved.”
`````````
The fourth birthday of my 3-year-old daughter, Amanda, was approaching. I reminded her that the day was on its way. After a couple of weeks, Amanda became exasperated, stomped her foot and with her hands on her hips asked, “Well, is it coming in the front door or the back door?”
``````
One day, my 4-year-old grandson, Maverick, was playing on the floor and asked me to come sit and play with him. I told him to give me a minute because I had something on my mind and was thinking. He said, “Well, Nana, just bring your thoughts to the floor with me and play!”
``````
My 2-year-old niece, Sienna, lives in Asia. While her family was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Florida, she asked her mother if she could play with Play-doh. Her mother said the Play-doh was back at their house. Sienna looked puzzled and replied, “But where did the house go?”
`````
In my youth, I delivered the Coeur d’Alene Press in a rural area. Back in the ’50s, there were no leash laws in Idaho, and many dogs were on the loose along my paper route. When they threatened me, I reached down and pretended to pick up a rock. I can’t recall ever having to throw one—the dogs would just run away.
Later in life, my job took me to Tampa, Florida. My wife and I, along with our faithful Lab, Tonga, would take walks in our neighborhood. One morning, a very aggressive dog started bothering us. I tried my old pretending trick, but the dog did not move. I realized it was not afraid because there are no rocks in Florida, just sand!
````````
My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I asked him what it was used for. He said, “It’s to catch cows and scoot them off the tracks so Grandpa doesn’t have to chase them away.”
````````
I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted out, “Call it good!” I explained to Halle this meant there was a baby in the cow’s tummy. She replied, “I don’t want to call the baby Good; I want to call it Queen Elsa.”
`````
The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her fry some up for breakfast and put them on his plate. He looked at me and said in a serious tone, “Mama, these eggs came from chickens!”
````````
My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth.
“You were expected on Aug. 19,” she said, “but arrived on Aug. 11.” Matthew thought for a moment and then said, “Oh! I’m so lucky I was born on my birthday!”
````````
We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That has trash in it!”
`````
Good morning everyboomie.
Trying to jump the gun again and get this posted. I still have to take Missy walking, eat dinner, and the mow the lawn..........AGAIN!
Fortunately we only got up to 90 degrees today.
Were still holding on to 86 of them.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
–
Bill Murray
```````````
True Stories From Reader's Digest
While passing by a park, my son Zach shouted, “Look, Mom! A tater-totter!”
```````
I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.
I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?”
I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.
````````
While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”
He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”
```````
My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”
````````
Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.
``````
When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?”
“Yes, he does,” I replied.
Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?”
Again, I replied yes. Then Keilei lifted her arms and yelled, “Thank you, Jesus! Grandma’s getting me a dog!”
``````
My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy.
One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found that? But I rewarded her with a treat and put the fur in the trash.
Later, she traded a second clump of fur for a treat. When she brought me another one, I realized it looked familiar.
Sure enough, there was no fur in the trash. Shadow was trading the same tuft for treats. She knew she was busted and innocently put her head on her paws and fell asleep.
``````````
My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”
``````
Joe always went to his local barber for a monthly shave and haircut. But one day the barber was ill. So the barber’s wife, Grace, took over. Joe noticed over subsequent weeks that his hair was not growing.
The barber, an evangelical Christian, explained the mystery. “When you’re shaved by Grace,” he said, “you’re once shaved, always shaved.”
`````````
The fourth birthday of my 3-year-old daughter, Amanda, was approaching. I reminded her that the day was on its way. After a couple of weeks, Amanda became exasperated, stomped her foot and with her hands on her hips asked, “Well, is it coming in the front door or the back door?”
``````
One day, my 4-year-old grandson, Maverick, was playing on the floor and asked me to come sit and play with him. I told him to give me a minute because I had something on my mind and was thinking. He said, “Well, Nana, just bring your thoughts to the floor with me and play!”
``````
My 2-year-old niece, Sienna, lives in Asia. While her family was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Florida, she asked her mother if she could play with Play-doh. Her mother said the Play-doh was back at their house. Sienna looked puzzled and replied, “But where did the house go?”
`````
In my youth, I delivered the Coeur d’Alene Press in a rural area. Back in the ’50s, there were no leash laws in Idaho, and many dogs were on the loose along my paper route. When they threatened me, I reached down and pretended to pick up a rock. I can’t recall ever having to throw one—the dogs would just run away.
Later in life, my job took me to Tampa, Florida. My wife and I, along with our faithful Lab, Tonga, would take walks in our neighborhood. One morning, a very aggressive dog started bothering us. I tried my old pretending trick, but the dog did not move. I realized it was not afraid because there are no rocks in Florida, just sand!
````````
My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I asked him what it was used for. He said, “It’s to catch cows and scoot them off the tracks so Grandpa doesn’t have to chase them away.”
````````
I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted out, “Call it good!” I explained to Halle this meant there was a baby in the cow’s tummy. She replied, “I don’t want to call the baby Good; I want to call it Queen Elsa.”
`````
The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her fry some up for breakfast and put them on his plate. He looked at me and said in a serious tone, “Mama, these eggs came from chickens!”
````````
My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth.
“You were expected on Aug. 19,” she said, “but arrived on Aug. 11.” Matthew thought for a moment and then said, “Oh! I’m so lucky I was born on my birthday!”
````````
We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That has trash in it!”
`````
Good morning everyboomie.
Trying to jump the gun again and get this posted. I still have to take Missy walking, eat dinner, and the mow the lawn..........AGAIN!
Fortunately we only got up to 90 degrees today.
Were still holding on to 86 of them.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
and mow the lawn with everything else...oh my Joe, don't over do it!! And hopefully you'll only have to hold on to 70 of them by the time you must mow the lawn. 
Hope the storms aren't too bad! Are you able to use an umbrella when it rains, or are your hands not free enough for that?
