Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday's - 06/25/18 01:21 AM
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
~Steve Martin~
``````````````
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
`````````
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
`````
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
``````
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
```````
Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent
• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”
• “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ”
• “So ... you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
```````
If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”
```````
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.
````````
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
```````
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
`````
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s next to the helo-pad.”
```````
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
``````
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
`````
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
`````
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
``````
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
`````````
Good morning everybuddy.
Are you all ready for the new week?
Me neither.
Sunday morning was all cloudy and humid, and I know I had to mow before the sun came out, so I went out and started and found out it was actually pretty cool outside.
It was windy so the humidity wasn't an issue either.
I mowed, and then took Missy to the park and back before 9:30 rolled around. Then had the rest of the day too be a slouch.
Whatever you have going today, I hope it's a great day for you.
joe
~Steve Martin~
``````````````
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
`````````
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
`````
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
``````
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
```````
Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent
• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”
• “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ”
• “So ... you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
```````
If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”
```````
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.
````````
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
```````
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
`````
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s next to the helo-pad.”
```````
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
``````
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
`````
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
`````
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
``````
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
`````````
Good morning everybuddy.
Are you all ready for the new week?
Me neither.
Sunday morning was all cloudy and humid, and I know I had to mow before the sun came out, so I went out and started and found out it was actually pretty cool outside.
It was windy so the humidity wasn't an issue either.
I mowed, and then took Missy to the park and back before 9:30 rolled around. Then had the rest of the day too be a slouch.
Whatever you have going today, I hope it's a great day for you.
joe
Glad you had a great time with Missy today, not to mention some time to relax. 
Hope you have fun with your clients anyway. 
