Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Thump Day - 07/26/18 12:55 AM
There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
~Benjamin Franklin~
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Burning calories
I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
``````
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Ok that answers a couple of my questions from yesterday.
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
`````
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
`````````
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
soda pressing.....
.....get it?
```````
Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.
``````
With the economy improved, my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.
One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”
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“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”
``````
Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.
Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?
Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.
From overheardintheoffice.com
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The Dumbest Police Calls in America…
From the police blotter, or, what a beat cop deals with every day:
• A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
```````
Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.”
Oh yeah, that's a big BTDT (been there done that).
```````
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
```````
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
``````
English is Hard
My colleague has been living in this country only a few months, and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
```````
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well our 90s didn't hold up all week. We are at 101 right now, and it's 6:43.
We do have some rain in the forecast, but I'm looking up the weatherman's address if that doesn't hold up.
Just so I can mark him off my Christmas card list.
It really doesn't matter because Christmas is never going to get here anyway.
I think I'll just take up drinking so the weather won't bother me.
Heck, nothing will bother me then.
I'll be too numb.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Benjamin Franklin~
```````````````````
Burning calories
I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
``````
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Ok that answers a couple of my questions from yesterday.
````````
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
`````
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
`````````
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
soda pressing.....
.....get it? ```````
Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.
``````
With the economy improved, my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.
One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”
```````
“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”
``````
Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.
Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?
Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.
From overheardintheoffice.com
``````
The Dumbest Police Calls in America…
From the police blotter, or, what a beat cop deals with every day:
• A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
```````
Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.”
Oh yeah, that's a big BTDT (been there done that).
```````
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
```````
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
``````
English is Hard
My colleague has been living in this country only a few months, and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
```````
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well our 90s didn't hold up all week. We are at 101 right now, and it's 6:43.
We do have some rain in the forecast, but I'm looking up the weatherman's address if that doesn't hold up.
Just so I can mark him off my Christmas card list.
It really doesn't matter because Christmas is never going to get here anyway.
I think I'll just take up drinking so the weather won't bother me.
Heck, nothing will bother me then.
I'll be too numb.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joe! Drinking will only make the heat worse! It was a near 90 day here and it felt great. I really do enjoy the heat. 
My 100 year plan is going well! 
I have 5 stores to deal with again tomorrow. Saga's still refusing to work for me - or just staring at me blankly when I ask, which I assume is a refusal - so it's up to me again, I guess. 
Happy Day to you all! 
