Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 07/28/18 12:45 AM
Help others and give something back. I guarantee you will discover that while public service improves the lives and the world around you, its greatest reward is the enrichment and new meaning it will bring your own life.
~Arnold Schwarzenegger~
```````````````````````
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
```````
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.
```````
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
... to be a Nobel Prize winner.
... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
... he was fired “on accident.”
```````
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
``````
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
```````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
``````
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
```````
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”
“What’s your word?” the host replied.
“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.
`````
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
``````
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
``````
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
```````
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
A strong beginning will follow soon, so get busy enjoying the weekend while you can.
My trip to Sam's was very productive yesterday. It produced an enormous void in my wallet.
Thankfully I filled a big void in my freezer.
No plans for the weekend here, and I actually look forward to Monday when it's 'supposed to be' 88 degrees, and a 60% rain chance.
I supposed I'll spend Saturday and Sunday burning incense, making sacrifices to the weather Gods.
I've gotta go get some lambs.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Arnold Schwarzenegger~
```````````````````````
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
```````
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.
```````
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
... to be a Nobel Prize winner.
... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
... he was fired “on accident.”
```````
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
``````
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
```````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
``````
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
```````
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”
“What’s your word?” the host replied.
“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.
`````
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
``````
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
``````
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
```````
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
A strong beginning will follow soon, so get busy enjoying the weekend while you can.
My trip to Sam's was very productive yesterday. It produced an enormous void in my wallet.
Thankfully I filled a big void in my freezer.
No plans for the weekend here, and I actually look forward to Monday when it's 'supposed to be' 88 degrees, and a 60% rain chance.
I supposed I'll spend Saturday and Sunday burning incense, making sacrifices to the weather Gods.
I've gotta go get some lambs.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I haven't gotten as much practice as I wanted this week due to my crazy work schedule, so I'll have to see how it goes this time. 
I'm just glad the week is over. 
