Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday.......again - 07/30/18 12:39 AM
I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there's purpose and worth to each and every life.
~Ronald Reagan~
```````````````
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
``````
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
``````
Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
```````
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
`````
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
```````
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
``````
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”
“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”
````````
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
`````
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
```````
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
``````
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, "In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty."
"Give me infinite wisdom!" declares the dean, without hesitation.
"Done!" says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. "Well," says a colleague, "say something brilliant."
The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, "I should have taken the money."
``````
Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."
``````
As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services.
One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon title for that day was: "What Makes God Sick: Pastor Joe Smith."
````````
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
I know, I know, some of those jokes. Gandhi.....
Well are ya ready for another week?
We had a pretty nice weekend. I took Missy to the park as soon as I rolled out of bed, and then at around 10:00 we got another good shower.
We still got into the mid 90s later on, but Monday is going to be 87 degrees. Yaaa!
I've taken Missy for two walks today, and we'll probably make one more here in a minute. I downloaded some new 'oldies' to listen too.
Have a fantastic day everyone.
joe
~Ronald Reagan~
```````````````
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
``````
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
``````
Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
```````
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
`````
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
```````
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
``````
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”
“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”
````````
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
`````
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
```````
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
``````
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, "In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty."
"Give me infinite wisdom!" declares the dean, without hesitation.
"Done!" says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. "Well," says a colleague, "say something brilliant."
The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, "I should have taken the money."
``````
Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."
``````
As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services.
One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon title for that day was: "What Makes God Sick: Pastor Joe Smith."
````````
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
I know, I know, some of those jokes. Gandhi.....
Well are ya ready for another week?
We had a pretty nice weekend. I took Missy to the park as soon as I rolled out of bed, and then at around 10:00 we got another good shower.
We still got into the mid 90s later on, but Monday is going to be 87 degrees. Yaaa!
I've taken Missy for two walks today, and we'll probably make one more here in a minute. I downloaded some new 'oldies' to listen too.
Have a fantastic day everyone.
joe
Hope you get some time to relax now.
