Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 07/31/18 12:47 AM
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
~Rodney Dangerfield~
````````````````````
En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.
"Confession is where you tell all the bad things you've done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. "Good. I haven't done anything bad to the priest."
``````
Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you want?"
``````
When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God's here, and he brought his girlfriend."
````````
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."
```````
After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."
```````
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
``````
If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.
As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one. L. C.
If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream. M. C.
`````````
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
```````
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.
```````
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
```````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
`````
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can go to Harvard!”
`````
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for his acts of true kindness and selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time understanding and interrupting his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
```````
Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students
• Q: What’s the name of a six-sided polygon?
A: Sixagon.
• Q: What part of the body is affected by glandular fever?
A: The glandular.
• Q: In The Tempest, why does Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?
A: She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.
• Q: In comparison with large hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?
A: They’re smaller.
• Q: Who were the Bolsheviks?
A: A Russian ballet company.
From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)
`````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to my nightmare.
Today was awesome! I woke up to a big storm blowing, and the whole morning was overcast and cool.
It felt great walking at the park, and the mid afternoon walk was sunny, but not bad.
I'm afraid we're headed back up to 100 degrees, but hey we still have August, and September is hot too.
Tuesday will not be bad, so I'll take it where I get it.
Have a great day everyone.
joe
~Rodney Dangerfield~
````````````````````
En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.
"Confession is where you tell all the bad things you've done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. "Good. I haven't done anything bad to the priest."
``````
Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you want?"
``````
When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God's here, and he brought his girlfriend."
````````
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."
```````
After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."
```````
When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”
``````
If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.
As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one. L. C.
If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream. M. C.
`````````
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
```````
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.
```````
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
```````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
`````
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can go to Harvard!”
`````
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for his acts of true kindness and selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time understanding and interrupting his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
```````
Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students
• Q: What’s the name of a six-sided polygon?
A: Sixagon.
• Q: What part of the body is affected by glandular fever?
A: The glandular.
• Q: In The Tempest, why does Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?
A: She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.
• Q: In comparison with large hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?
A: They’re smaller.
• Q: Who were the Bolsheviks?
A: A Russian ballet company.
From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)
`````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to my nightmare.
Today was awesome! I woke up to a big storm blowing, and the whole morning was overcast and cool.
It felt great walking at the park, and the mid afternoon walk was sunny, but not bad.
I'm afraid we're headed back up to 100 degrees, but hey we still have August, and September is hot too.
Tuesday will not be bad, so I'll take it where I get it.
Have a great day everyone.
joe
