Posted By: gymcandy1
What?......MONDAY?! - 08/27/18 12:24 AM
Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen... yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.
~Bradley Whitford~
``````````````````
''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"
```````
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
`````
The bride, upon her engagement, goes to her mother and says, "I've found a man just like Father!" Her mother replies, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
``````
Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
````````
"Mom, does God go to the bathroom?" a son asked. The mom replied, "No son, why?" The son said, "Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, 'Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!' "
`````````
Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.
``````
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
```````
A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?" " No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?" " Oh, ok." says the girl. "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"
```````
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star running back sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
```````
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.
```````
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
``````
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A: Because the "P" is silent.
``````
Coach: "Why are you late for the game?"
Caterpillar: "I had to put my shoes on."
````````
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"
``````
Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!
``````
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
``````
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
``````
How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to say, "But I never turn it on!" and two to say, "But I did it last time!"
``````
Good Monday morning everyboomie.
Monday I had Friday on my mind.
Taintedfury that one's for you.
Well the Cowboys are scheduled to lose at 7:00 tonight, so I'm on the countdown.
I've gotta get this spread out, and go walk Missy before it starts.
At the moment it's 94 degrees out there. Breezy and dry though, so I can handle it ok, I think.
Have a happy day everyone.
Push 'em back, push 'em back, wayyyy back!
joe
~Bradley Whitford~
``````````````````
''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"
```````
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
`````
The bride, upon her engagement, goes to her mother and says, "I've found a man just like Father!" Her mother replies, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
``````
Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
````````
"Mom, does God go to the bathroom?" a son asked. The mom replied, "No son, why?" The son said, "Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, 'Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!' "
`````````
Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.
``````
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
```````
A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?" " No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?" " Oh, ok." says the girl. "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"
```````
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star running back sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
```````
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.
```````
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
``````
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A: Because the "P" is silent.
``````
Coach: "Why are you late for the game?"
Caterpillar: "I had to put my shoes on."
````````
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"
``````
Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!
``````
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
``````
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
``````
How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to say, "But I never turn it on!" and two to say, "But I did it last time!"
``````
Good Monday morning everyboomie.
Monday I had Friday on my mind.
Taintedfury that one's for you.
Well the Cowboys are scheduled to lose at 7:00 tonight, so I'm on the countdown.
I've gotta get this spread out, and go walk Missy before it starts.
At the moment it's 94 degrees out there. Breezy and dry though, so I can handle it ok, I think.
Have a happy day everyone.
Push 'em back, push 'em back, wayyyy back!
joe
Not looking forward to it, but maybe I can talk Saga into going for me. 
, Ana 
, Venus 
and Starcom 
Have a wonderful Day/Night and 
hope you get your Monday Night Football soon.. 
Have a Happy Day everyone! 
hope you have a wonderful day too. Good morning Connie 
and Trail_Mystic 
stay safe from the storms.
