Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Joe's - 11/19/18 01:33 AM
Do you think you’re safe in a car with your seat belts on? Dream on. My friend thought so. Now she’s pregnant.
-
~Anke Engelke~
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A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.
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Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice that much at the garage.
````
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
````
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
-
A. They can’t stand fast food.
````
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
-
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
````
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
````
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
````
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
-
I went today, but not one person would pet me.
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I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
````
How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is full of gorillas.
````
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
-
He: Just call in sick then.
````
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
````
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
````
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sighed in relief: “Oh boy, at least it wasn't a new one.”
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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
````
Good morning everyboomie.
I was a little confused yesterday. Thanksgiving is not quite a week away.
I think I was thinking it was on Sunday.
That's what I get for independent thinking.
I started Sunday out at the lost and found department. We lost 20 degrees from Saturdays temperatures.
Had a great Sunday on the couch with my blanket though, and yes Family, I'm a happy guy.
The Cowboys won, the Texans won, The Redskins lost, and the Eagles lost.
It was almost a perfect football day, except for the Giants winning.
All in all I can't complain.
I hope you all have a blessed and happy Monday.
joe
-
~Anke Engelke~
``````````````
A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.
````
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice that much at the garage.
````
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
````
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
-
A. They can’t stand fast food.
````
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
-
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
````
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
````
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
````
I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
-
I went today, but not one person would pet me.
````
I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
````
How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is full of gorillas.
````
She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
-
He: Just call in sick then.
````
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
````
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
````
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sighed in relief: “Oh boy, at least it wasn't a new one.”
````
I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
````
Good morning everyboomie.
I was a little confused yesterday. Thanksgiving is not quite a week away.I think I was thinking it was on Sunday.
That's what I get for independent thinking.
I started Sunday out at the lost and found department. We lost 20 degrees from Saturdays temperatures.
Had a great Sunday on the couch with my blanket though, and yes Family, I'm a happy guy.
The Cowboys won, the Texans won, The Redskins lost, and the Eagles lost.
It was almost a perfect football day, except for the Giants winning.
All in all I can't complain.
I hope you all have a blessed and happy Monday.
joe
Hey Ho Joe .. so glad your Cowboys and Texans won ... who would you root for if they were in the Super Bowl 
A Happy monday wished for everyone! 
Working the kitchen for Bingo, then our meeting at the Eagles tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, and Oatmeal in the NC. 
, Soot 
, Connie 
, Ana 
Family 
and Venus 
- Have a terrific Monday all and to the remainder off the Boomer's gang - Happy Gaming all. 
