If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
~Laurence J. Peter~
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.
It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to overcharge me for the ticket -- but now you're gone 'n drowned me boy Jonny."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants
At age 10 success is having friends
At age 16 success is having your driver's license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 65 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having your driver's license
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.
The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.
They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."
The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"
The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?
I are proud to be a college student
Conserve toilet paper...use both sides
Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin'
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
Keep honking...I'm reloading
Don't steal....the government hates competition
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my [blip]. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your [blip] back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Veteran's Day to all veterans. I think it's today anyway.
Welcome to the weekend!
It's just me and the two pups and Pepper here this fine Friday night.
I ran all the others off.
At least tonight I'll have two cat burglar alarms.
I'll sleep so much more peacefully.
Well, I've got football to rewatch.
Have a happy day everyone.