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Christmas Diner #1047075
12/24/15 11:16 PM
12/24/15 11:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
The Obituary of Martin Levine

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

````````````````````````

Head to the Dentist

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.

“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”

His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”

```````````````````````````````

Put-Downs Down Under

A Briton flies into Australia 
and is asked by the immigration 
officer, “Do you have any felony 
convictions?”

The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

````````````````````````````````

A Road Racket

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.

“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

`````````````````````````````

G-d Hates B.S.

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”

````````````````````````

"You Need a Shorter Password."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

`````````````````````````````

More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders

We’ve been over this before: 
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these 
job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into 
the building.

`````````````````````````````

Virginal Word Choice

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football 
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”

````````````````````````````````````````

Bad Soldier Mistakes

It’s important that soldiers 
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at 
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from 
past gaffes:
• “I was cold” is not a sufficient 
reason for being caught in the female barracks.
• Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
• Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
• Do not attempt to shave with fire.
• Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks 
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection.

```````````````````````````

spel chekers

On Facebook, the English 
language has few friends. 
Three examples:

Post: I can’t stand people 
that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down.

Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days?
Response: I just have a normal house.

Post: I do not have patients for stupid today.
Response: Patience.

```````````````````````````

Toddler Wisdom

Events had left my son-in-
law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our 
two-year-old grandson was nearby 
to dispense words of wisdom. 
“Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes 
batteries die and toys break.”

````````````````````````````````

What Does DUMB Stand For?

While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”

````````````````````````````````

One Way To Foil Fridge Thieves

The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”

We’ll skip over the details and 
go straight to the signature: 
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”

``````````````````````````

Vitamin D(imwit)

Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.

Coworker #2: What’s that?

Coworker #1: Vitamin D.

Coworker #2: Why do you take that?

Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.

Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?

``````````````````````````

Good morning Boomers. welcome


Merry Christmas and God Bless You All. christmas


joe wave12


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047082
12/25/15 01:39 AM
12/25/15 01:39 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,353
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,353
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Wishing a beautiful and safe holiday to all the Boomers. happydance12


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047085
12/25/15 02:01 AM
12/25/15 02:01 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 80,833
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 80,833
In the Naughty Corner
Merry CHristmas Joe, SpaceQ and all!

Ana wave12


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047087
12/25/15 02:41 AM
12/25/15 02:41 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
christmas holidays


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047096
12/25/15 05:13 AM
12/25/15 05:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 10,174
Isle of Man
Lex Offline
Adept Boomer
Lex  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 10,174
Isle of Man
Wishing all my Boomer friends the best for the festive season as I pay one of my rare visits to the Diner and grab a mince pie and a latte (with an extra shot): something to line the stomach before the alcohol flows! holidays thumbsup12

Last edited by Lex; 12/25/15 06:20 AM.

Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047100
12/25/15 05:27 AM
12/25/15 05:27 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,340
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,340
Marlborough USA
tree Merry Christmas Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula, Lex, and everyone! Lovely decorations MaG! tree
reindeer Lots of fresh baked Christmas cookies to share! reindeer


Gerry
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047102
12/25/15 05:30 AM
12/25/15 05:30 AM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 69,966
MaG Offline
Sonic Boomer
MaG  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 69,966
wave12 Have fun everyone! christmas

Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047112
12/25/15 07:33 AM
12/25/15 07:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,975
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,975
winter springs fl.
christmas to all my Diner family. I will have a house full today, lots of family and friends. tree May your day be a Wonderful one. Danish, BB Pancakes, Bacon Sandwiches, and Coffee Cake in the NC. holidays


Connie
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047114
12/25/15 08:12 AM
12/25/15 08:12 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Good morning all. birthday Jesus! I hope you all have a wonderful day today and all through the holiday season.

Thank you Connie for my BB pancake breakfast. What is your favorite breakfast?

Midgie hearts christmas holidays tree


Just do it.
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: Midge] #1047126
12/25/15 10:19 AM
12/25/15 10:19 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,353
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,353
Upper Arlington, Ohio
I hope Santa came to visit all the Boomers and that you are all spending the day with family. hearts


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047128
12/25/15 10:26 AM
12/25/15 10:26 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
christmas Boomers! Hope everyone has a terrific day! tree


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047167
12/25/15 01:12 PM
12/25/15 01:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer
Yankee Clipper  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,402
Lexington, Texas
Merry Christmas all from Blue Branch Texas and all our flora and fauna that abounds abundently and actively -you get the picture.

This morning for a Christmas treat I baked some frozen kolaches and Newzel grabbed one and with surgical precision removed the sausage from it. Darn I didn't see him but he was the one on the counter. It is an incision -he missed his calling. Sausage gone but bread wrapper remains.

Made some progress in wolfenstein, only 2 more chapters -then on to zombie army. Can't wait for spring because the new Doom will be ready for PS4 Yippee


I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047168
12/25/15 01:22 PM
12/25/15 01:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
Merry Christmas Everybody!!! christmas

May you all have a wonderfully lovely day with family and friends!! Prayers for the Band around all those that may be traveling!!!

christmas
Nan

Re: Christmas Diner [Re: auntiegram] #1047169
12/25/15 01:24 PM
12/25/15 01:24 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 42,894
near Yosemite in California
Marian Offline
Global Moderator
Marian  Offline
Global Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 42,894
near Yosemite in California
Wishing all of you a very christmas tree

Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047190
12/25/15 05:24 PM
12/25/15 05:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,855
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,855
Alabama
Merry Christmas Ya'll christmas

We've had a Merry Morning and an aggravating afternoon. Boys opened presents and we enjoyed Christmas casserole and cinnamon roles. Then discovered our phone was not working. Called Bright House to schedule an appointment.

Oh my, if we are lucky, they will come Tuesday. Til then, the house needs not to burn down as I can't call 911. So decided, "Ok, that's it" Called AT&T, the only other source for a land line here, and they said, "Jan. 4"

I wouldn't be quite so aggravated if I lived in the boonies (where I'd like to live), but I don't. Think we may be joining those folks that only have cell phones.

Anyway, boys and son were all happy. Now hubby and I are enjoying quiet time.

It is in the 80's here and icky out. We had horribly bad storms all night. Doggies were not happy, and Little Soot "wah wah-ed" most of the night.

Perrin got a Star Wars monopoly game that is different from the one we already had and is quite fun! It plays faster than normal monopoly and you don't bid for properties from each other which helped take some of the stress out.

Son, the Per, Soot, and I are all ill, though son and Per are the sickest. I've been steaming and using all sorts of home remedies and Thank You Jesus, I am much better. Can't get son to do it though.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day!


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Christmas Diner [Re: gymcandy1] #1047234
12/26/15 12:46 AM
12/26/15 12:46 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep12


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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