Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
You have my Word!
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these blinking blue & red lights. The world is full of psychos!
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!“
I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”
“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”
“No, but I wished it before, and now I'm wishing it again.”
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.
I just like to sleep naked........but that air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
Woman to her husband while going at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bathroom, Kitchen, Living room..."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding gifts were prettycool.
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently not what she meant.
What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
But she figured out I was only after my money.
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age. I told her I was 89."
Good morning everyboomie.
It is Monday April 9th. Exactly one week until tax returns have to be filed.
Does everyone have your returns filed yet?
I got my refund weeks ago.
I bought a half tank of gas with it.
I'm thinking about going back to work, so that I can pay more taxes, so that I can get a bigger refund.
Wishing you all a happy day, and many happy returns.