There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
How do you know a woman doesn’t value honesty? When she asks you, “How do I look, darling?
”Man: Darling, I just ordered our groceries online.
Wife: Really?! You’ve just sent me a Whatsapp saying I should do the shopping.
Man: Well, that’s what I said.
I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..
But a few very large bio-weapons manufacturers offered a very nice price for her recipes.
I felt incomplete until I married you.
Now I’m finished.
Husband: Shall we make a nice weekend for each other, honey?”
Wife: “Oh, that would be lovely, Georgie!”
Husband: “Fantastic! Well, see you Monday.”
Marriage is an institution.
Once you say I DO you are committed.
Q. What do bacon and wives have in common?
A. They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.
A real man always accompanies his wife to the train station when she leaves. What other way to make sure she’s actually gone?
Q. Why do men so often die before their wives do?
Because they want to
Woman says to her fiancé: “When we’re married, we’ll have three kids. A brown-haired girl and two blonde boys.
Fiancé: “How can you tell with such precision?”
Woman: "Because I told my parents I’ll finally pick up the kids from them once we’re married.“
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women? Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood, men don't have as far to go.
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
Why is it called the PMS?
Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.
I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.
I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.
1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job.
2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh.
3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you.
4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you.
5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
Good morning everyboomie.
Well that concludes a great week of marriage bashing jokes.
I'm kidding there's more to come.
We had a great day here to be alive and just enjoy it.
The only damper on the whole day was the disgusting, gusty wind.
It actually felt good before it got to gale force.
I took the mutt to the park, and then I mowed the lawn. No wait, it was the other way around. I took the mutt to the park, and then the lawn mowed me.
Anyway I slept just a little bit better last night. I hope that tonight's sleep will be like Sunday morning in church.
Have a happy day everyone.