Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.
To get my cousin to write to
her even once, my aunt resorted to
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him.
“I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained.
“I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.”
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”
Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest:
• News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”
• Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’”
• Producer: “Free food in the
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then
you inform others.”
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked.
“It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager.
“Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager.
“Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager.
“Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager.
I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.”
I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast.
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
"What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
“Maybe the list is alphabetical,”
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …”
My husband was driving
home from work when he was
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a
different way home from work.”
Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”
Good morning everyboomie.
Another perfect day here. Actually a little warm for me..........just never happy.
Anyway we went to Lowe's to make a return, and then picked up some Thompson's Water Seal.
Then to Walmart, and back home. I went out and ran my weedeater to knock down all the weed clumps. The grass is just starting to turn green.
Then I started to clean the mulch out of the garden. That's gonna take a few weeks. I can only clean out as much as the trash container will hold, and then wait until the next Tuesday for them to come and empty it.
At any rate I'll sleep good tonight.
I also got the new door for my cabinet in the bathroom, and put it on.
Have a happy day everyone.