I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:
“Can you turn up that music?”
“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”
“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”
“Here, you take the remote.”
Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely.
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’”
We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-
looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”
My mother was standing on
the bus when she noticed that a
man holding on to the same pole
was staring at her. Finally, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”
“Well,” she said, “go ahead.”
“This is my pole,” he said.
My mother was confused until he added, “I just bought it at a store to hold up my shower curtain.”
I think I’ve finally decoded the
language of sale-a-day websites:
Statement jewelry = large and ugly
Lots of personality = odd and ugly
Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
When I stepped on the scale at
my doctor’s office, I was surprised
to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s
aide as she made a notation on
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s
a cute guy standing here.” Before
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”
Testimony Taken Down by Me, a Court Reporter
Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop?
Answer: I hope so.
• I work in IT. A customer asked
me if a string of numbers I’d read off was upper- or lowercase.
• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.
• A few of the things customers
have asked for at our art-supply
store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.
• I’m a butcher. A woman asked
if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
A mother complained to my wife,
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
Heard over the plant’s paging
system: “Will John Porter please
return to where you were before you went where you are.”
Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help:
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers
in the library.”
Good morning everyboomie.
It's great to see so many smiling faces so early in the morning.
I woke up Saturday morning to warm sun shiny skies.............above all the clouds and heavy rain.
We sat here all morning under a blanket, where Missy prefers to be during a storm.
There was tons of thunder.
I had to get up finally and look for something to do, so I started working on the back door. It's been very neglected. I cleaned it up and painted it after filling all the holes and dents. It looks much better.
Not sure what Sunday will hold.
Have a super day everyone.