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Joe's Monday Moaning #1181400
03/24/19 06:29 PM
03/24/19 06:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,563
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Sonic Boomer
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,563
Calera, Oklahoma
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

~Allan Sherman~
`````````````````````````


When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.

Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older 
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”

````

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite 
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”

````

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.”

````

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”

````

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”

````

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?

Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.

Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ] 
OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.

````

First woman: Look at me—I have 
a muffin top.

Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!

````

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

````

I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.

“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.

“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook 
anymore.”

````

Who wouldn’t be inspired 
to hire this young man? If his 
cover letter is to be believed, he’s 
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:

“I am a 
motivated, self-igniting person.”

````

Scene: The office

Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state.

Coworker: All 51?

Me: Fifty-one?

Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry.

````

Scene: office cafeteria line

Friend: May I have pepper and salt?

(Counter guy looks confused.)

Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?

(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)

Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …

Me: You know, like you shake it on?

(Coworker looks over.)

Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!

Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?

````

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”

````

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

````

There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”

A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”

````

As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.”

Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?”

````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


Monday morning coming down don't look so good from where I'm sitting.


I was totally into the weekend. razz


Sunday was so nice, I thought about driving out to the sod farm, but then I remembered I just washed my ruby red truck, and I'm just not ready to mess it up again. shame


Besides that my friend was bringing Beau over. Couldn't make it Saturday. puppy


I took Missy parking, and then started looking around for something to piddle with.


Gotta try and keep inspiring Ana. I'm not running out of stuff to do Ana, I'm just running out of bank balance. lol


I ended up starting on the storage shed. I wire brushed the door and frame, and then started painting again. woot


I repainted the white 2 coats, and then I decided to add some color to it. hamster


It's on going. thumbsup


We got up to 75 degrees here y'all. Gerry I hope your snow melts off fast.


Have a happy day everyone. wave


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181411
03/24/19 08:06 PM
03/24/19 08:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4,192
marietta,georgia
family Offline
Addicted Boomer
family  Offline
Addicted Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 4,192
marietta,georgia
watching court shows and soap opera

Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181414
03/24/19 08:46 PM
03/24/19 08:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76,992
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76,992
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, you are right, even if you do it yourself, it really does cost plenty!

family, enjoy!

Back to work for me. A normal full day for me so I can have time to play with my boarder. No really long days scheduled so far this week.
Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181415
03/24/19 08:56 PM
03/24/19 08:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 29,325
Usually in an Alabama Tree
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 29,325
Usually in an Alabama Tree
woot It's Monday...it's about time!!

I hope Beau made it over Joe!!

Enjoy Family...

No long days? That's great Ana happydance

Normal work week for me too...keeps me out of trouble...most of time lol

Gerry, can I get a cup of Cinnamon Sweet Potato Swirl? I'm in the mood for a cup of exotic coffee to kick off this weel!!

Connie, I'll take a Danish in the NC

TaintedFury...how's the back? All better I hope

Hey SQF...have a great day

How are you doing Venus...get some great game time in this weekend?

Happy Monday everyone penguin

wave2


To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181440
03/25/19 04:10 AM
03/25/19 04:10 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 23,561
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Online happy
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Online Happy
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 23,561
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, family, Ana, soot, and everyone. Joe the snow is melting slowly. I can see parts of the yard! Family have a great day. Ana enjoy your boarder pup! Soot one cinnamon sweet potato swirl coming up! Coffee, tea, and hot chocolate are ready for the rest of you!
wave Have a Happy Monday everyone! wave


Gerry
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181449
03/25/19 06:27 AM
03/25/19 06:27 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 10,946
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 10,946
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Monday. Joe, I could sure use some painting here. I will be in the kitchen for Bingo today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and Biscuits in the NC. spring


Connie
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181494
03/25/19 10:16 AM
03/25/19 10:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,004
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,004
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Supposed to be raining later....for now it is just gloomy, but nice enough to have the windows open and the neighbors have ceased their burning for the moment happydance

I'm on the tax train today. Son about to walk out to work. The house will be as quiet as it ever gets. Time to get them done!

Joe, have fun with the shed. You should do some kind of nifty art project on it. Make it fun and colorful!

Enjoy your shows, family.

Ana, what kind of dog is your boarder?

Gerry, is melting snow a good thing?

Connie, have fun at Bingo. The kitchen is where all good things are.

wavegirl


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181569
03/25/19 08:19 PM
03/25/19 08:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76,992
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76,992
In the Naughty Corner
L4L, Cooper is a solid black 8 pound toy poodle. He is a big snuggle buddy! Ask soot to show you on Facebook!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: BrownEyedTigre] #1181573
03/25/19 08:37 PM
03/25/19 08:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,452
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 15,452
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Kind of late but I still wanted to say hi to everyone.

Thanks for the laughs Joe.


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Joe's Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1] #1181607
03/26/19 02:01 AM
03/26/19 02:01 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 796
SEYMOUR VICTORIA, MELBOURNE AU...
Taintedfury Offline
Settled Boomer
Taintedfury  Offline
Settled Boomer

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 796
SEYMOUR VICTORIA, MELBOURNE AU...
hehe same here - very sorry, a belated Good morning to all Boomers happy gaming. wave2

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