Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
~Jeff Valdez~
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When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday,
I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”
The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”
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Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow’s son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I’ve just gotten here and everything’s set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine.
“P.S. It’s really hot!”
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My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”
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Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche. He had just started in on Pierre Teilhard de Chardin when a voice begged, “Did anyone named Smith ever write anything?”
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“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several
buttons on her microwave.
“Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.”
“I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Sure. How do you reheat bacon?”
“Oh,” she said, “that’s two biscuits and a popcorn.”
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Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.”
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I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?”
“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”
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A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down
to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax.
“This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.”
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Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.”
Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?”
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Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”
Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.”
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Think it’s easy being a landlord? Check out these tenant complaints:
“The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster, and 50 percent are just plain filthy.”
“My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.”
“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.”
“It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.”
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My father-in-law asked his wife what he should name his new boat. She said, “Name it after me.” The next time she saw the boat, it had After Me on the back of it.
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My wife is a very adventurous cook. “How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.”
“Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?”
“No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.”
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On my way home from my mother’s, I realized I’d left my cell phone at her house. So I went back to get it. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. She’d texted, “You left your phone.”
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My sister got a call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. When he’d gone in to check on Little James in the bathroom, he noticed the boy was using a urinal.
“That’s odd,” my sister said. “We never taught him how to use a urinal.”
“I could tell,” said the teacher. “He was sitting in it.”
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When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so
old girlfriends.
“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.
“Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!!
We had a really nice Friday. It got pretty warm and the wind did it's best to keep it cool.
I didn't do anything all morning. Last night my left knee started to give me trouble big time, and it was still hurting all morning. Not sure what that was about, it never hurt like that before. It still hurts, just not as bad.
I went to Lowe's and Walmart in the afternoon. I got some mulch for my flower beds, and some more weed & feed.
Tomorrow I'll put the mulch out.
I'm also still working on the storage shed. I've decided to paint the whole thing. I need to borrow an extension ladder though, because I don't think I want to buy one just for that.
Have a great day and a super weekend everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
hope that computer goes quickly for you, Soot yes nothing like coffee time hehehe, family 
...ah grocery shopping it never ends does it, have a great day.
Soot I do believe I can add 2 shots of Irish Bailey to make a very special brew for you! 
Family hope you get groceries done early before it gets busy on Saturday! Taintedfury I live in the country too so I didn't get to see my Mom as much as she would have liked. I worked and had 2 horses and 3 cats to care for so my days were full. But once she moved into Senior housing in my town and was only 10 minutes away it was great. I could pop in just to say hello, or drop something off, or take her to an appointment without having to lose half a day traveling. Maybe some day your Mum will be able to move closer. 
