Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
~Kin Hubbard~
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My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn’t made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the oven a while, I smelled a familiar odor. “They’re burning,” I shouted.
“I know,” she said nonchalantly.
“Aren’t you going to take them out?”
“No. They still have six minutes.”
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“What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?” I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, “An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.”
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I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.
“What about a fire?” I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
“Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire.”
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At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
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When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car. After a few minutes, he got into her car again. “We need to go back to the gas station,” he said.
“One gallon wasn’t enough?” she asked.
“It would have been if I’d put it in the right car.”
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Anyone can eavesdrop, but not everyone thinks to record conversations for posterity. We thank those snoopers who alerted overheardinnewyork.com to these:
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.
Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Girl: I’m very competitive.
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
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My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
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Brevity is next to confusion in the insurance business. When a client died, her daughter told our agency that she would cancel the home policy the following week, once her mother’s belongings were removed. Simple, right? Here’s the note that was placed in the client’s file: “Deceased will call next week to cancel moving her things out.”
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Overheard in a ladies’ fitting room: “Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?”
“Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big.”
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Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
“A Shuffle!”
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Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
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After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, “What steps would have prevented you from leaving?” My answer: “Birth control.”
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During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
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A middle school in New Ipswich, New Hampshire, encourages freethinking. A sign outside the school reads, “You are unique—just like everyone else.”
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Driving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on. But in a few miles I came to a stop: The road was completely barricaded. So I turned around and retraced my route. That’s when I saw this sign on the back of the first: “It was, wasn’t it?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
I managed to get to town yesterday and get more gasoline for my lawn mower. Then went to Lowe's and got a gallon of paint. Then I went to Walmart and bought groceries.
I came home and had lunch, and then I used that whole gallon of paint on my porch pillars, and my storage shed. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more gallons of that paint.
I took Missy walking, came back and cleaned up all my paint tools, fixed dinner, took a shower, and then.....here.
My back is really sore, but it still a lot better than day before yesterday.
More painting tomorrow.
Have a spectacular day everyone.
joe
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Joe! The quote couldn't be truer! Glad your back is feeling better than it was and hope tomorrow it will be even better! 
In fact 10 to be exact. 
A Happy Day wished for everyone! 
