The late comedian Mitch
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”
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I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.
At the shop I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”
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Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. “I’d like to order a large pepperoni, please,” I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
“We’ll be there in about half an hour,” the kid at the other end replied. “Your gate code is still 1238, right?”
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After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
“Wow,” the woman said. “I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car.”
“Actually,” I replied, “that’s my husband.”
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My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.
“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”
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My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained.
“Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?” Jesse suggested.
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I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopover.”
“Where?”
“In Denver,” she said.
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Exchange your shivers for some giggles as we celebrate the spring season with some of our silliest reader submissions:
Stop and Smell the Softener
I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air.
Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener.
— Contributed by George G. Busher
Your Sunday Best
Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, “Look, somebody came as a palm!”
— Contributed by Elizabeth Marvin
Spring Fever
One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. “Cindy won’t be here this afternoon?” I asked. “She went home to lay in the sun,” a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, “Lie.” Okay,” she replied in astonishment. “Cindy got sick and went home.”
— Contributed by Mary T. Upton
Standby, Soldier
Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. “Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.”
“Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”
— Contributed by Bill Dyson
Signs of Spring
In Ohio, spring is always eagerly awaited after the long, cold winters. When I arrived at work one day in mid-March, I noticed a sign gaily decorated with flowers and butterflies. It read: “Think Spring.” The first day of spring blew in with a snowstorm and freezing temperatures, however, and another flowery sign was posted. This time the message read: “Forget Spring. Think Summer.”
— Contributed by Rita Milios
Sleepless Saving Time
Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, my normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. I finally had to find out why. “Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock.”
— Contributed by Nancy M. Payne
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm glad to see Thursday come around. We were almost 90 yesterday. The only thing that made it bearable was that the wind was blowing 30 to 40mph.
I did manage to take a couple of neighborhood dogs to the park for a windy walk. Then I came back and mowed the lawn, and picked up all the tree limbs that I had cut.
I need to get up on the storage shed and take down a Direct TV dish that was up there when I moved in . I just need to find a longer ladder.
Since tomorrow will be cooler, I'll try and see how many projects I can get done.
Have a great day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishing everyone a Happy Thursday! 
sounds like you and the dogs had a wonderful time, Space Quest Fan 
happy gaming & Soot 
lol i'm having a cuppa now take care all and have a sunny day.