I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
~Ronald Reagan~
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A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
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Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
````
The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)
````
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
A. S., via Internet
````
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
````
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
````
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some
are just more public than others,
like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood,
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
````
Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to
Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro
Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
````
File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know.
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
````
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
````
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the
importance of punctuation: “Top
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
````
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
````
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
````
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)
````
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
````
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)
• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)
• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI
Suspension (Chicago Tribune)
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)
````
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)
Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.
“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”
````
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Talk about a dark and stormy night.
Talk all you want. That's not what we had. The storms didn't begin until 6:00am this morning, and boy howdy talk about a dark and stormy day!!
I heard bowling all day long outside my house, and it was strike after strike it was.
Shore was a sight to behold, aye, and a sound to be heard.
It was a perfect day to sleep and watch movies all day.
Now we have water everywhere.
Time to make a trip to the sod farm, but I'll need to wait a couple of days to let things dry out some.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishing a happy Sunday for you all! 
on finding a name you like. 
