• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board
aircraft if the
pilot is wearing
a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a
hurry to terminate a marriage. You
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
````Funniest Things That Ever Happened at the Doctor’s Office
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was
a toilet in there, so I didn’t need
this after all.”
As I leaned in to check her eyes,
my older patient got a little frisky. “You remind me of my third
husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the
grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.
I gave my patient the results of
her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And
I felt so alone.”
Scene: The operating room. I’m
reviewing the surgical checklist
with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?
I prescribed an inhaler for a patient’s cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying the
inhaler on the cat.
Medical excuses for missing work (people actually thought might fly)
“My child stuck a mint up my nose, and I had to go to the emergency room to have it removed.”
“I got sick from reading too much.”
Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn’t get out.
“My dog wasn’t feeling well, so I tasted his food, and then
I got sick.”
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a
terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
“Did you hear what happened to Bob?”
… one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.”
“That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.”
“Is he any good?”
“Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.”
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mrs. Harper was admitted for
cataract surgery. All we did was
correct her eyesight.”
To paraphrase Mark Twain: Be careful of medical transcripts; you may die of a misprint.
Social history reveals this one-year-old patient does
not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Bleeding started in the
rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down. —Sources: gmrtranscription.com; nursebuff.com
Good morning everyboomie.
It is Hump Day already.
Modern technology never ceases to amaze me.
I love the digital age. I just hope I never get digitally aged.
Did I lose you?
The next two days are supposed to be very wet here, so I have no real plans, except to sit inside and practice breathing.
I may do a lot of inspections and maintenance on the insides of my eyelids.
Have a happy day everyone.