What should you do when
you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
~George Carlin~
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Realistic Romantic Comedies• When Harry Met Sally and
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
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Tailor-Made QuipsMy husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
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A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”
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When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
@TheNardvark
Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?
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A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
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On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
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As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder.
I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
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Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”
“Not really,” I replied.
“Did you marry him for his money?”
“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.”
“So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”
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My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
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Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
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During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”
Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”
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Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”
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I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
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Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
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For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What’s this?" he asked.
"Guess," I said coyly.
"I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage."
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Good morning everyboomie.
There's no hurry this evening. All the heavy weather is well South of us.
After seeing our rainfall totals from last night, over 4", and checking out the temperature forecast for today, I decided to go to the sod farm.
I may not be going back out there for a long time. Grass is growing too fast.
I walked around and found two nice points, plus other pieces like scrapers and broken points.
After that I walked to the other side of the farm to look, but the ground was so wet and muddy I couldn't walk in it. I tried going back to my truck by walking around this little lake, but he had graded all of that area, and it was a total swamp and mud, and every step I took sucked my feet 10" into the mud. It got so bad that it sucked one of my boots off. I could not put it back on in the mud. I had to carry my boot, so I could not carry Missy and she was having a very hard time walking. In places I had to walk through water that was over a foot deep. Missy had to swim. I could not see my foot because of the mud and I could not tell if my sock was still on it. I had to walk hundreds of yards to get back to my truck and it was life sucking mud all the way. By the time I got to a point where I could walk almost normally, I couldn't walk any more, I wanted to lay down and crawl. I was sucking air in like I had just done a 100 burpees. I drank a half gallon of water before I collapsed into my truck. I didn't even put my shoes back on.
When I got home I pealed everything off in the laundry room, and took a long hot shower.
That was my day. Missy and I will both sleep pretty good tonight.
Have a fantastic day everyone.
joe
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Wishing everyone a great Friday! 
Joe ... points and scrapers